@the_moonface
I don’t think I’m ready for the emotional commitment of ordering a Happy Meal.
I don’t think I’m ready for the emotional commitment of ordering a Happy Meal.
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@the_moonface
It’s too bad Batman’s real name wasn’t Bruce Bates, then Alfred would be saying Master Bates all the time.
It’s too bad Batman’s real name wasn’t Bruce Bates, then Alfred would be saying Master Bates all the time.
@the_moonface
Oh, you're happy that Chick-fil-A's are packed? Yeah, I heard slavery used to be pretty popular too.
Oh, you're happy that Chick-fil-A's are packed? Yeah, I heard slavery used to be pretty popular too.
@the_moonface
Am I the only one who thinks it’s funny that the Chinese athletes are competing to win back the medals they probably made a month ago?
Am I the only one who thinks it’s funny that the Chinese athletes are competing to win back the medals they probably made a month ago?
@the_moonface
The Olympics have started? Is America winning? Or do we have to declare war on some more countries?
The Olympics have started? Is America winning? Or do we have to declare war on some more countries?
@the_moonface
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
@the_moonface
I blame Picasso for all these women who use markers to draw on their eyebrows.
I blame Picasso for all these women who use markers to draw on their eyebrows.
@the_moonface
I bet Batman wears Liam Neeson underwear.
I bet Batman wears Liam Neeson underwear.
@the_moonface
Everyone would believe the Bible if they would just say Tom Hanks wrote it, no one can not like Tom Hanks.
Everyone would believe the Bible if they would just say Tom Hanks wrote it, no one can not like Tom Hanks.
@the_moonface
They should make a Conservative Insurance to counter Progressive, they'll never fix anything and tell you to let Jesus take the wheel.
They should make a Conservative Insurance to counter Progressive, they'll never fix anything and tell you to let Jesus take the wheel.
@the_moonface
I bet phone booths are disappearing because they don't want us escaping the Matrix.
I bet phone booths are disappearing because they don't want us escaping the Matrix.
@the_moonface
I find it insulting that Arby's mascot isn't a pirate bee.
I find it insulting that Arby's mascot isn't a pirate bee.
@the_moonface
Then outermost layer of your skin is mostly dead cells, so congratulations you're dead on the outside as well as the inside.
Then outermost layer of your skin is mostly dead cells, so congratulations you're dead on the outside as well as the inside.
@the_moonface
Sarcasm has to be the official language when we live in a world this absurd.
Sarcasm has to be the official language when we live in a world this absurd.
@the_moonface
You've got a face even an Instagram filter couldn't fix.
You've got a face even an Instagram filter couldn't fix.
@the_moonface
I wonder how many gay people come out of the closet today just to gauge the reaction from friends and family.
I wonder how many gay people come out of the closet today just to gauge the reaction from friends and family.
@the_moonface
I wish more religions took advantage of a vow of silence.
I wish more religions took advantage of a vow of silence.
@the_moonface
What if God is gay and created Adam as a lover but Adam was straight and said "no way God." Then God got all pissed and created suffering?
What if God is gay and created Adam as a lover but Adam was straight and said "no way God." Then God got all pissed and created suffering?
@the_moonface
I somehow doubt gay marriage is destroying the family when something called a Snooki is allowed to reproduce.
I somehow doubt gay marriage is destroying the family when something called a Snooki is allowed to reproduce.
@the_moonface
My greatest contribution to most situations is just not making it worse.
My greatest contribution to most situations is just not making it worse.
@the_moonface
You're about as useful as closed captioning in a porno.
You're about as useful as closed captioning in a porno.
@the_moonface
New study shows Android phone users are more likely to put out, apparently iPhone users are too busy waiting in a line to have sex.
New study shows Android phone users are more likely to put out, apparently iPhone users are too busy waiting in a line to have sex.
@the_moonface
Me: I'd like to report a disturbance. Police Dispatcher: Okay, where sir? Me: In the force, I can feel it.
Me: I'd like to report a disturbance. Police Dispatcher: Okay, where sir? Me: In the force, I can feel it.
@the_moonface
Every time your kid starts crying when they don't get what they want, just say "I don't negotiate with terrorists."
Every time your kid starts crying when they don't get what they want, just say "I don't negotiate with terrorists."
@the_moonface
Obama: Okay America, Newt's a slut, Paul's a racist, Romney's a robot and Santorum is the mess on my bed sheets, I'm clearly the best option
Obama: Okay America, Newt's a slut, Paul's a racist, Romney's a robot and Santorum is the mess on my bed sheets, I'm clearly the best option
@the_moonface
Mark Wahlberg said he could have stopped the hijackers on 9/11 but somehow couldn't stop himself from being in the Funky Bunch.
Mark Wahlberg said he could have stopped the hijackers on 9/11 but somehow couldn't stop himself from being in the Funky Bunch.
@the_moonface
I don't understand romantic movies, why waste all that time with the complicated, man-hating main character when her slut friend is cuter.
I don't understand romantic movies, why waste all that time with the complicated, man-hating main character when her slut friend is cuter.
@the_moonface
Candy cigarettes are a gateway drug to rock candy.
Candy cigarettes are a gateway drug to rock candy.
@the_moonface
Freud had it wrong, women don't have penis envy, men have boob envy. Explains the obesity epidemic and my need to breastfeed daily.
Freud had it wrong, women don't have penis envy, men have boob envy. Explains the obesity epidemic and my need to breastfeed daily.
@the_moonface
"I can't take this shit anymore." --a clogged toilet
"I can't take this shit anymore." --a clogged toilet
@the_moonface
I think Father's Day should be celebrated with the activity that made us fathers.
I think Father's Day should be celebrated with the activity that made us fathers.
@the_moonface
Apparently being poor is genetic, my son loves bologna and thinks pants are optional.
Apparently being poor is genetic, my son loves bologna and thinks pants are optional.
@the_moonface
If Jesus comes back on Saturday, I hope he brings "sexy" with him.
If Jesus comes back on Saturday, I hope he brings "sexy" with him.
@the_moonface
I'm not in a relation"ship," I'm in a relation"barge" that's towing emotional garbage all day long.
I'm not in a relation"ship," I'm in a relation"barge" that's towing emotional garbage all day long.
@the_moonface
My wife's friend's baby always cries when her mom leaves the room. My son just laughs at her. Proud father of a douchebag.
My wife's friend's baby always cries when her mom leaves the room. My son just laughs at her. Proud father of a douchebag.
@the_moonface
My Autocorrect just changed "Osama's dead" to "fuck we all know already, shut the fuck up."
My Autocorrect just changed "Osama's dead" to "fuck we all know already, shut the fuck up."
@the_moonface
I bought a dry erase board to improve my time management skills but the only thing that's improved is my ability to draw dicks.
I bought a dry erase board to improve my time management skills but the only thing that's improved is my ability to draw dicks.