@wheatnik
“Algebra.” — really laid back oceanographer, responding to “What’s that green stuff?”
“Algebra.” — really laid back oceanographer, responding to “What’s that green stuff?”
Tweets by @wheatnik added on Fun Tweets.
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@wheatnik
“Who ate all the crackers?!” - racist cannibal.
“Who ate all the crackers?!” - racist cannibal.
@wheatnik
Until you’ve thrown up peanut butter and jelly onto an 8 year old at the beach on a Sunday, don’t talk to me about your “drinking problems.”
Until you’ve thrown up peanut butter and jelly onto an 8 year old at the beach on a Sunday, don’t talk to me about your “drinking problems.”
@wheatnik
I judge parties by how close to dead my cell phone battery is when I leave.
I judge parties by how close to dead my cell phone battery is when I leave.
@wheatnik
If you ever laugh so hard that your ass actually comes off, shit probably stops being funny real quick.
If you ever laugh so hard that your ass actually comes off, shit probably stops being funny real quick.
@wheatnik
I wonder who they'll get to play the roles of "Couch" and "Phone" in the movie of my life.
I wonder who they'll get to play the roles of "Couch" and "Phone" in the movie of my life.
@wheatnik
I wish 1992 Dr. Dre would come back from the past and beat the shit out of 2012 Dr. Dre for charging 300 bucks for a pair of headphones.
I wish 1992 Dr. Dre would come back from the past and beat the shit out of 2012 Dr. Dre for charging 300 bucks for a pair of headphones.
@wheatnik
The person who invented the word fuck was probably tapped on the shoulder while they had headphones on.
The person who invented the word fuck was probably tapped on the shoulder while they had headphones on.
@wheatnik
Texting for beginners: STFU = Shut the fuck up. LOL = Shut the fuck up. LMAO = Shut the fuck up. ROFL = Shut the fuck up.
Texting for beginners: STFU = Shut the fuck up. LOL = Shut the fuck up. LMAO = Shut the fuck up. ROFL = Shut the fuck up.
@wheatnik
Most of the things I would kill myself over losing didn't even exist 10 years ago.
Most of the things I would kill myself over losing didn't even exist 10 years ago.
@wheatnik
Pretty sure Craigslist is just a secret genetics lab and they send out their failed experiments to come pick up the stuff you sell there.
Pretty sure Craigslist is just a secret genetics lab and they send out their failed experiments to come pick up the stuff you sell there.
@wheatnik
Whoever named it a "mobile" phone obviously didn't anticipate me spending the day on the couch covered in crumbs reading Twitter.
Whoever named it a "mobile" phone obviously didn't anticipate me spending the day on the couch covered in crumbs reading Twitter.
@wheatnik
My Facebook friends fall into 3 categories: vaguely remember, don't remember at all, or never want to speak to for the rest of my life.
My Facebook friends fall into 3 categories: vaguely remember, don't remember at all, or never want to speak to for the rest of my life.
@wheatnik
Just downloaded the MySpace app and my iPad transformed into a Commodore 64.
Just downloaded the MySpace app and my iPad transformed into a Commodore 64.
@wheatnik
I like to sit outside Barnes & Noble with my iPad and make caveman noises at the people coming out with real books.
I like to sit outside Barnes & Noble with my iPad and make caveman noises at the people coming out with real books.
@wheatnik
Costco is a great place to go if you want to shop for 15 minutes and then stand in line and judge people for an hour.
Costco is a great place to go if you want to shop for 15 minutes and then stand in line and judge people for an hour.
@wheatnik
There are 1000 shopping carts inside this Walmart, yet I always pick the one with the wheel that makes everyone look like a meth addict.
There are 1000 shopping carts inside this Walmart, yet I always pick the one with the wheel that makes everyone look like a meth addict.
@wheatnik
Unraveling iPod earbuds in less than 10 minutes qualifies you to perform surgery in most 3rd world countries.
Unraveling iPod earbuds in less than 10 minutes qualifies you to perform surgery in most 3rd world countries.
@wheatnik
Gangster shift keys pop a couple caps in dAt aSs.
Gangster shift keys pop a couple caps in dAt aSs.
@wheatnik
Getting ready to ask my black friends what finna ax means.
Getting ready to ask my black friends what finna ax means.
@wheatnik
My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.
My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.
@wheatnik
All food I purchase should read: "Serving Size: Probably This Entire Box In Less Than An Hour, You Fat Fuck."
All food I purchase should read: "Serving Size: Probably This Entire Box In Less Than An Hour, You Fat Fuck."
@wheatnik
Digger Nick wasn't invited back to the Dyslexic Miners Against Racism Conference.
Digger Nick wasn't invited back to the Dyslexic Miners Against Racism Conference.
@wheatnik
I love it when you call me Medium Poppa! Throw your hands in the air if you's a moderately attractive single lady with no kids or debt!
I love it when you call me Medium Poppa! Throw your hands in the air if you's a moderately attractive single lady with no kids or debt!
@wheatnik
Learning-disabled lions are called leotards, right? Anyway, when dancers ask you to drop off old ones for needy kids, DON'T! So much blood.
Learning-disabled lions are called leotards, right? Anyway, when dancers ask you to drop off old ones for needy kids, DON'T! So much blood.
@wheatnik
Writing a horror movie featuring all black actors. It's ten minutes long and everyone dies at the same time.
Writing a horror movie featuring all black actors. It's ten minutes long and everyone dies at the same time.
@wheatnik
I think more research needs to be done on the tube inside your body that carries Taco Bell food directly from your mouth to your butthole.
I think more research needs to be done on the tube inside your body that carries Taco Bell food directly from your mouth to your butthole.
@wheatnik
The fact that there isn't a brand of crackers called Cracka Ass Crackers really makes me lose faith in black entrepreneurial spirit.
The fact that there isn't a brand of crackers called Cracka Ass Crackers really makes me lose faith in black entrepreneurial spirit.
@wheatnik
As an American, the moment I stop feeling full is the perfect time for a light snack. Or maybe a whole cheesecake or dozen donuts. Whatever.
As an American, the moment I stop feeling full is the perfect time for a light snack. Or maybe a whole cheesecake or dozen donuts. Whatever.
@wheatnik
Just learned that if lightning strikes within 50 feet of you, you can speak every language simultaneously and pee out of your eyes.
Just learned that if lightning strikes within 50 feet of you, you can speak every language simultaneously and pee out of your eyes.
@wheatnik
I'd like to welcome everyone with a car visor CD holder to the year 2011. We understand and accept your simple ways here in the future.
I'd like to welcome everyone with a car visor CD holder to the year 2011. We understand and accept your simple ways here in the future.
@wheatnik
Your car keys will always be in the same pocket as the hand that's carrying 6 bags of groceries. Always.
Your car keys will always be in the same pocket as the hand that's carrying 6 bags of groceries. Always.
@wheatnik
"Haven't had to use my brakes in a few minutes. Better make sure they still work real quick." -- everyone in front of you on the highway.
"Haven't had to use my brakes in a few minutes. Better make sure they still work real quick." -- everyone in front of you on the highway.
@wheatnik
"You know what." -- They.
"You know what." -- They.
@wheatnik
People who are "just saying" should try "just shutting the fuck up."
People who are "just saying" should try "just shutting the fuck up."
@wheatnik
I just mixed peanut butter and Nutella together in case anyone's curious why I've suddenly started attending church.
I just mixed peanut butter and Nutella together in case anyone's curious why I've suddenly started attending church.
@wheatnik
I always think of doing things for charity. Then, I get back from making a sandwich and I see there are 43 new tweets. Sorry, starving kids!
I always think of doing things for charity. Then, I get back from making a sandwich and I see there are 43 new tweets. Sorry, starving kids!
@wheatnik
The leading cause of being cryptic is stuff.
The leading cause of being cryptic is stuff.
@wheatnik
Dear everyone reading this tweet, What's the future like?
Dear everyone reading this tweet, What's the future like?
@wheatnik
A well timed "Have a good day!" can be a great substitute for "Fuck you!" in almost every situation.
A well timed "Have a good day!" can be a great substitute for "Fuck you!" in almost every situation.
@wheatnik
I often wish I could go back to a simpler time when I wasn't so nostalgic.
I often wish I could go back to a simpler time when I wasn't so nostalgic.
@wheatnik
When I've had a bad day I remind myself that I'm a straight white guy. Then I high five some dudes and we destroy an ecosystem or some shit.
When I've had a bad day I remind myself that I'm a straight white guy. Then I high five some dudes and we destroy an ecosystem or some shit.
@wheatnik
"Still hung. Over." -- well endowed truck driver.
"Still hung. Over." -- well endowed truck driver.
@wheatnik
If ANY part of my body touches the shower liner, I call in sick to work.
If ANY part of my body touches the shower liner, I call in sick to work.
@wheatnik
I got 4,627 problems and 697 of them are toothpicks, 884 of them are threads on my pillow, 3,045 are leaves on these trees, and OCD is 1.
I got 4,627 problems and 697 of them are toothpicks, 884 of them are threads on my pillow, 3,045 are leaves on these trees, and OCD is 1.
@wheatnik
If the world's fate ever hangs on my mom opening a picture mail on her phone in under ten minutes, we are all doomed.
If the world's fate ever hangs on my mom opening a picture mail on her phone in under ten minutes, we are all doomed.