yoyoha
"Let's sleep in when we can't sleep in, and not sleep in when we can sleep in" - children
"Let's sleep in when we can't sleep in, and not sleep in when we can sleep in" - children
Tweets by @yoyoha added on Fun Tweets.
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yoyoha
My therapist told me I lack focus. I told him I liked his new desk.
My therapist told me I lack focus. I told him I liked his new desk.
yoyoha
98% of Facebook is women telling each other how great they look.
98% of Facebook is women telling each other how great they look.
yoyoha
Keep dimming automatically, laptop screen. We love that.
Keep dimming automatically, laptop screen. We love that.
yoyoha
Male excuses: 1. I forgot 2. I didn't know 3. I wasn't sure 4. What?
Male excuses: 1. I forgot 2. I didn't know 3. I wasn't sure 4. What?
yoyoha
"BRB" - Hindu Gravestone
"BRB" - Hindu Gravestone
yoyoha
If you like something, don't forget to really oversell it so it can disappoint everyone else.
If you like something, don't forget to really oversell it so it can disappoint everyone else.
yoyoha
"LOOK AT ME DON'T LOOK AT ME" - Cleavage
"LOOK AT ME DON'T LOOK AT ME" - Cleavage
yoyoha
Add an exclamation point to an email BOOM you're a morning person.
Add an exclamation point to an email BOOM you're a morning person.
yoyoha
Sorry, page 2 of Google searches.
Sorry, page 2 of Google searches.
yoyoha
Step 1: Stay up late Step 2: Get up early Step 3: Hate the Earth
Step 1: Stay up late Step 2: Get up early Step 3: Hate the Earth
yoyoha
There should be a food group called "fuck it."
There should be a food group called "fuck it."
yoyoha
"WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE THE INTERNET" - fun thing I yell at my kids
"WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE THE INTERNET" - fun thing I yell at my kids
yoyoha
The Oscars always make the local news broadcast that follows it look like a tiny little asshole parade.
The Oscars always make the local news broadcast that follows it look like a tiny little asshole parade.
yoyoha
"Try again, dumbass" - the little red line under your misspelled word
"Try again, dumbass" - the little red line under your misspelled word
yoyoha
Shit old people Google: 1. Dubstep 2. Skrillrex 3. Hashtag 4. DTF 5. Steampunk 6. Pinterest 7. Linsanity 8. Scarlett Johansson naked
Shit old people Google: 1. Dubstep 2. Skrillrex 3. Hashtag 4. DTF 5. Steampunk 6. Pinterest 7. Linsanity 8. Scarlett Johansson naked
yoyoha
Kim Kardashian is essentially three asses stacked on top of each other.
Kim Kardashian is essentially three asses stacked on top of each other.
yoyoha
You want to scare someone? Call them.
You want to scare someone? Call them.
yoyoha
I tried to blow a hair off my laptop screen so now there's some spit next to the hair.
I tried to blow a hair off my laptop screen so now there's some spit next to the hair.
yoyoha
Newt Gingrich's face looks like a fat woman's knee.
Newt Gingrich's face looks like a fat woman's knee.
yoyoha
My parents have ruined Christmas every year by being Jewish.
My parents have ruined Christmas every year by being Jewish.
yoyoha
A website just logged me off due to inactivity. Hope my life never does that.
A website just logged me off due to inactivity. Hope my life never does that.
yoyoha
Take something someone says, then perceive it in every terrible way imaginable POOF you're a woman.
Take something someone says, then perceive it in every terrible way imaginable POOF you're a woman.
yoyoha
"I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT'S WHAT WE'RE CALLING IT" - Guy who named the sweater.
"I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT'S WHAT WE'RE CALLING IT" - Guy who named the sweater.
yoyoha
"OMG, I FORGOT TO CHECK FACEBOOK" - somebody almost about to get some work done
"OMG, I FORGOT TO CHECK FACEBOOK" - somebody almost about to get some work done
yoyoha
I bet "All You Need is Love" was easier to write on a full stomach.
I bet "All You Need is Love" was easier to write on a full stomach.
yoyoha
Every time someone clears their browser history there should be a little voice that says "good move."
Every time someone clears their browser history there should be a little voice that says "good move."
yoyoha
"FUCK. It's only lettuce." - What my dog thinks when I drop lettuce on the floor
"FUCK. It's only lettuce." - What my dog thinks when I drop lettuce on the floor
yoyoha
It's not easy to make small talk with a meteorologist.
It's not easy to make small talk with a meteorologist.
yoyoha
I hate when someone calls me arrogant. Especially when they're clearly beneath me.
I hate when someone calls me arrogant. Especially when they're clearly beneath me.
yoyoha
If there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman.
If there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman.
yoyoha
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - fun way to announce a fart
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - fun way to announce a fart
yoyoha
"I know" - me, on something I don't know
"I know" - me, on something I don't know
yoyoha
If you know how many calories are in your donut, you're not eating it right.
If you know how many calories are in your donut, you're not eating it right.
yoyoha
I'd imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters.
I'd imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters.
yoyoha
$100 bucks says the guy in charge of putting Gadhafi's name on his tombstone is sweating bullets right now.
$100 bucks says the guy in charge of putting Gadhafi's name on his tombstone is sweating bullets right now.
yoyoha
The faster I type in my password, the more secret agent-y I feel.
The faster I type in my password, the more secret agent-y I feel.
yoyoha
"Well, there's no point in starting that now." - Friday, 3pm
"Well, there's no point in starting that now." - Friday, 3pm
yoyoha
I wish there was some way to get rid of the stupid apple in this caramel apple.
I wish there was some way to get rid of the stupid apple in this caramel apple.
yoyoha
If this post on WebMD is correct, I died like ten years ago.
If this post on WebMD is correct, I died like ten years ago.
yoyoha
I make my kids drink tap water because I feel their chances of gaining unexplained super powers are greater with tap.
I make my kids drink tap water because I feel their chances of gaining unexplained super powers are greater with tap.
yoyoha
Whoever decided on the color white for underpants was an idiot.
Whoever decided on the color white for underpants was an idiot.
yoyoha
85% of the time I spend in a bathroom stall is spent waiting for the other person in the bathroom to leave.
85% of the time I spend in a bathroom stall is spent waiting for the other person in the bathroom to leave.
yoyoha
Wrong number calls are annoying but not nearly as much as right number calls.
Wrong number calls are annoying but not nearly as much as right number calls.
yoyoha
iPhone 4S: Still no toothpick :(
iPhone 4S: Still no toothpick :(
yoyoha
I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting.
I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting.
yoyoha
Trying to grab something out of my minivan while the automatic door is closing is the most Indiana Jones-y part of my day.
Trying to grab something out of my minivan while the automatic door is closing is the most Indiana Jones-y part of my day.
yoyoha
Shoulder blades sound way more awesome than they are.
Shoulder blades sound way more awesome than they are.
yoyoha
"UGH, IT'S SO ROUND AND USEFUL, I HATE IT!" - Facebook User the day the wheel came out
"UGH, IT'S SO ROUND AND USEFUL, I HATE IT!" - Facebook User the day the wheel came out
yoyoha
When I get alzheimer's I'm going to watch The Sixth Sense like every day.
When I get alzheimer's I'm going to watch The Sixth Sense like every day.
yoyoha
I FIND IT DISGUSTING THAT HACKERS WOULD STEAL NUDE PICTURES FROM SCARLETT JOHANSSON THEN MAKE THEM SO HARD TO FIND ON THE INTERNET
I FIND IT DISGUSTING THAT HACKERS WOULD STEAL NUDE PICTURES FROM SCARLETT JOHANSSON THEN MAKE THEM SO HARD TO FIND ON THE INTERNET
yoyoha
It's a beautiful day to sit outside and stare into your phone.
It's a beautiful day to sit outside and stare into your phone.
yoyoha
"WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE MY IPHONE" - new thing I scream at my kids
"WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE MY IPHONE" - new thing I scream at my kids
yoyoha
I got my hair cut this morning and my wife still hasn't said a thing about it. omg, I'm so mad right now I can barely breathe.
I got my hair cut this morning and my wife still hasn't said a thing about it. omg, I'm so mad right now I can barely breathe.
yoyoha
98% of all band-aids are used to cover up a child's melodramatic bullshit.
98% of all band-aids are used to cover up a child's melodramatic bullshit.
yoyoha
"Hey, we're best friends! This is the most fun ever! Lets take some pictures!" - drunk people
"Hey, we're best friends! This is the most fun ever! Lets take some pictures!" - drunk people
yoyoha
A blackout is just your brain clearing it's browsing history.
A blackout is just your brain clearing it's browsing history.
yoyoha
Totally blasting Billy Joel out of my minivan. I'm like sex on wheels right now.
Totally blasting Billy Joel out of my minivan. I'm like sex on wheels right now.
yoyoha
"DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME" - Farts
"DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME" - Farts
yoyoha
Hey guys, trust me on this one, tweets aren't nearly as funny when they're being read aloud in a courtroom.
Hey guys, trust me on this one, tweets aren't nearly as funny when they're being read aloud in a courtroom.
yoyoha
"This is the one I use for wiping" - Handshakes
"This is the one I use for wiping" - Handshakes
yoyoha
Are Facebook quizzes still around? Just now starting to wonder which Spice Girl I am.
Are Facebook quizzes still around? Just now starting to wonder which Spice Girl I am.
yoyoha
50% of all trending topic tweets are people asking what the trending topic means.
50% of all trending topic tweets are people asking what the trending topic means.
yoyoha
Politics is an "I'm not an asshole" contest for assholes.
Politics is an "I'm not an asshole" contest for assholes.
yoyoha
I hate when someone makes the comment "he says what we're all thinking" when he obviously said nothing about sexy lesbians.
I hate when someone makes the comment "he says what we're all thinking" when he obviously said nothing about sexy lesbians.
yoyoha
When a man can't open a jar, he has to throw it away and never speak of it again.
When a man can't open a jar, he has to throw it away and never speak of it again.
yoyoha
Does everyone have a weird Facebook acquaintance that comments on all their shit, or is it just me?
Does everyone have a weird Facebook acquaintance that comments on all their shit, or is it just me?
yoyoha
"Instead of putting this away, I'll leave it right here for the next time I need it." - Men
"Instead of putting this away, I'll leave it right here for the next time I need it." - Men
yoyoha
"Not gay enough" - superhero working on his costume
"Not gay enough" - superhero working on his costume
yoyoha
Did this many people have birthdays before Facebook?
Did this many people have birthdays before Facebook?
yoyoha
Start here. Now go to that side. Back to this side. that side again. now this side ok that side this side 1 more time now front (bed making)
Start here. Now go to that side. Back to this side. that side again. now this side ok that side this side 1 more time now front (bed making)
yoyoha
"I used to be the Internet!" - The Library
"I used to be the Internet!" - The Library
yoyoha
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
yoyoha
Is an inactivist a thing? Because I think I am that.
Is an inactivist a thing? Because I think I am that.
yoyoha
Morning is like someone constantly whispering "fuck you" into your ear.
Morning is like someone constantly whispering "fuck you" into your ear.
yoyoha
Raisins are like tiny senior citizens you can eat.
Raisins are like tiny senior citizens you can eat.
yoyoha
"I don't belong here" - dreadlock on a white guy
"I don't belong here" - dreadlock on a white guy
yoyoha
Children are the gift that keeps on taking.
Children are the gift that keeps on taking.
yoyoha
If Jesus returns to the Earth Saturday, I'm hoping he gained weight like the rest of us.
If Jesus returns to the Earth Saturday, I'm hoping he gained weight like the rest of us.
yoyoha
"Hey Evolution, what the fuck?" - Platypus
"Hey Evolution, what the fuck?" - Platypus
yoyoha
In honor of Earth Day I'm going to forage for my own food. Does anyone know what a Dorito plant looks like?
In honor of Earth Day I'm going to forage for my own food. Does anyone know what a Dorito plant looks like?
yoyoha
When I see someone driving the same car I'm driving, I always peer in to make sure it's not me from another dimension.
When I see someone driving the same car I'm driving, I always peer in to make sure it's not me from another dimension.
yoyoha
I told my son if he doesn't step it up, I'm going to start living vicariously through someone else's kid.
I told my son if he doesn't step it up, I'm going to start living vicariously through someone else's kid.
yoyoha
"How many televised singing competitions are too many?" "I don't know, let's find out!" - Television executives
"How many televised singing competitions are too many?" "I don't know, let's find out!" - Television executives
yoyoha
I was going to exercise until I remembered the story about that healthy guy that died that one time.
I was going to exercise until I remembered the story about that healthy guy that died that one time.
yoyoha
The word "fireplace" really reveals the creativity of our ancestors.
The word "fireplace" really reveals the creativity of our ancestors.
yoyoha
I've never seen a nudist I wanted to see naked.
I've never seen a nudist I wanted to see naked.
yoyoha
Doctor's appt: doctor checked me for hernia. Oddly replaced typical "turn your head and cough" with "who's my dirty bitch."
Doctor's appt: doctor checked me for hernia. Oddly replaced typical "turn your head and cough" with "who's my dirty bitch."
yoyoha
I always make a point to add a 'man' when I say thanks to the pizza delivery guy, so he knows I used to smoke weed and shit.
I always make a point to add a 'man' when I say thanks to the pizza delivery guy, so he knows I used to smoke weed and shit.
yoyoha
Just re-watched the lesbian scene in Black Swan. For the articles.
Just re-watched the lesbian scene in Black Swan. For the articles.
yoyoha
BREAKING NEWS: Wikileaks founder Julian Assange to release detailed document on what Willis was talking about.
BREAKING NEWS: Wikileaks founder Julian Assange to release detailed document on what Willis was talking about.
yoyoha
"I am Santa Claus." "No you're not." "Yes I am." "Ok." - Miracle on 34th Street in tweet form.
"I am Santa Claus." "No you're not." "Yes I am." "Ok." - Miracle on 34th Street in tweet form.
yoyoha
I just poured my coffee with my left hand so it would feel like someone else was doing it.
I just poured my coffee with my left hand so it would feel like someone else was doing it.
yoyoha
There are a lot of dads out there trying to make up for lost time by "liking" their grown children's facebook updates.
There are a lot of dads out there trying to make up for lost time by "liking" their grown children's facebook updates.
yoyoha
Grandma, if you're looking down on me right now - close your eyes for a few minutes.
Grandma, if you're looking down on me right now - close your eyes for a few minutes.
yoyoha
Not to brag, but I still fit into the low self-esteem I wore in high school.
Not to brag, but I still fit into the low self-esteem I wore in high school.