Jun 13 2021 Retweet
The best thing about the internet is that you can claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Jun 13 2021 Retweet
When I was in my 20’s I knew a guy named Jesus. He had an older brother named Moses and a younger brother named Steve. If that doesn’t sum up what’s it’s like to be the 3rd kid, I don’t know what does.
Jun 13 2021 Retweet
it’s 2021 how do we not just have alcohol pills that get u the perfect amount of fucked up I don’t understand. what the fuck are scientists even working on
Jun 13 2021 Retweet
our 2yo has started asking if we're "in of" various foods, as the opposite of being "out of" things, demonstrating the sort of linguistic logic that is going to get him absolutely nowhere in english
Jun 9 2021 Retweet
this old lady came to the bank i work at to withdraw $10. i told her that for withdraws less than $100 she has to use the atm. so she asked to withdraw $1000 in $10 bills. it sucked but i counted it out and handed her the money. she took $10, gave me $990 and said “deposit this”