Aug 1 2020 Retweet
No comedian will ever be as funny as my co worker who is from Haiti who saw a comedy show a few years ago and was so confused bc “no one tells jokes, everyone just talks about having sex and being fat”
Aug 1 2020 Retweet
working at an italian restaurant when i put a pizza in the oven. the dough begins expanding. it fills the entire oven. then the kitchen and beyond. it wont stop. pepperonis become star systems. cheese stretches into asteroid belts. the birth of a new universe. the big bada bang
Aug 1 2020 Retweet
I don't like being in a pandemic with y'all. It's like being on silent lunch but we keep getting days added on bc y'all won't shut up.
Jul 25 2020 Retweet
Leaving the house, I put on a mask, sunglasses, a hat and headphones. You guys, I think I’ve turned into Mr. Potato Head.