@electradical
"what did you get for christmas?" "fat"
"what did you get for christmas?" "fat"
Christmas 2013 - Christmas is an annual commemoration of the birth of Jesus Christ celebrated generally on December 25 as a religious and cultural holiday by billions of people around the world.
@JennyJohnsonHi5
The United Airlines email I received asking me to check-in for my flight tomorrow was my favorite Christmas present.
The United Airlines email I received asking me to check-in for my flight tomorrow was my favorite Christmas present.
@DannyZuker
On this special day I'd like to thank all the hard working children who manufactured the gifts for my children.
On this special day I'd like to thank all the hard working children who manufactured the gifts for my children.
@teen_news69
HOPE: santa answers teens wish all i ever wanted was a WHITE xmas *unwraps present* *removes kilo of cocaine* OMG THANKS *overdoses on joy*
HOPE: santa answers teens wish all i ever wanted was a WHITE xmas *unwraps present* *removes kilo of cocaine* OMG THANKS *overdoses on joy*
@TheNardvark
Mitt Romney is taking a nap because he was up all night boiling his kids’ new toys because they were touched by poors at the toy factory.
Mitt Romney is taking a nap because he was up all night boiling his kids’ new toys because they were touched by poors at the toy factory.
@shegotagronk
I deserve an Oscar for my performance today in "Holy Shit this is a terrible gift but I'll pretend to love it."
I deserve an Oscar for my performance today in "Holy Shit this is a terrible gift but I'll pretend to love it."
@DamienFahey
The Santa Tracker should show your burned out parents driving back and forth from the house to the mall, you little shits.
The Santa Tracker should show your burned out parents driving back and forth from the house to the mall, you little shits.
@WilliamRodgers
Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to know what rhymes with "Hug me" Love, Robin Thicke
Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to know what rhymes with "Hug me" Love, Robin Thicke
@whatwouldDOOdo
Standing in line to see Santa Claus. The kid behind me is crying his eyes out. "What's wrong? Is he..." *turns to parent* "Claustrophobic?"
Standing in line to see Santa Claus. The kid behind me is crying his eyes out. "What's wrong? Is he..." *turns to parent* "Claustrophobic?"
@badbanana
Do you have tin foil? Then you have everything you need to make tin foil balls. Stay tuned for more last-minute gift ideas.
Do you have tin foil? Then you have everything you need to make tin foil balls. Stay tuned for more last-minute gift ideas.
@WilliamRodgers
"I'm dreaming of a White Christmas" -Racists
"I'm dreaming of a White Christmas" -Racists
@agentbizzle
HOW TO WRAP PRESENTS: - Ask somebody else to wrap presents
HOW TO WRAP PRESENTS: - Ask somebody else to wrap presents
@seabrown
An ugly Christmas sweater contest and the winner gets to explain the concept to homeless people.
An ugly Christmas sweater contest and the winner gets to explain the concept to homeless people.
@tastefactory
Me and my hunting buddies saw a car with reindeer antlers on it, shot it, and tied it to the roof of our truck.
Me and my hunting buddies saw a car with reindeer antlers on it, shot it, and tied it to the roof of our truck.
@TheTweetOfGod
The true meaning of Christmas is buying shit.
The true meaning of Christmas is buying shit.
@bazecraze
How about ONE person takes a picture of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree and just emails it to everyone?
How about ONE person takes a picture of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree and just emails it to everyone?
@whatwouldDOOdo
I am sick and tired of people wishing me a Happy HondaDays! It's like they totally forget that some people celebrate Toyotathon!
I am sick and tired of people wishing me a Happy HondaDays! It's like they totally forget that some people celebrate Toyotathon!
@ConanOBrien
What the song doesn’t mention is that Santa checks EVERYTHING twice. He has OCD.
What the song doesn’t mention is that Santa checks EVERYTHING twice. He has OCD.
@NightValeRadio
Last Christmas I gave you my heart. The very next day you were still quite shaken over this gory and incomprehensible gesture.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart. The very next day you were still quite shaken over this gory and incomprehensible gesture.
@andylassner
The more adorable the family picture on a Christmas card, the more dysfunctional the stuff going on behind closed doors. #happyholidays
The more adorable the family picture on a Christmas card, the more dysfunctional the stuff going on behind closed doors. #happyholidays
@SomthinBoutSara
Sure I'll go Christmas shopping with you at Walmart. Just let me take this tequila shot, Xanax and cyanide capsule.
Sure I'll go Christmas shopping with you at Walmart. Just let me take this tequila shot, Xanax and cyanide capsule.
@trevso_electric
Santa is always surrounded by ho ho hos because he's the illest wrapper alive.
Santa is always surrounded by ho ho hos because he's the illest wrapper alive.
@JennyJohnsonHi5
The Christmas wreath on the front of your SUV told me you probably have a child named Tanner.
The Christmas wreath on the front of your SUV told me you probably have a child named Tanner.
@AdamDavis
Santa opens a letter: Dear Santa, I just want you to bring my dog back "Ha! Fat chance" he chuckles, petting a pug "This bad boys mine now"
Santa opens a letter: Dear Santa, I just want you to bring my dog back "Ha! Fat chance" he chuckles, petting a pug "This bad boys mine now"
@IamEnidColeslaw
mistletoe is the gateway drug to pregnancy
mistletoe is the gateway drug to pregnancy