@DamienFahey
Remember, every time you squirt ketchup on a hot dog today, the Devil kicks Osama bin Laden in the balls.

@brendohare
Spread patriotic spirit by telling the barista your name is "USA" and hiding. When they say your name, watch as Starbucks begins chanting

@TVsAndyDaly
The Fourth of July is an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.

@TheNardvark
The 4th of July is the one day of the year that Americans take a break from trying to murder each other and try to murder the sky.

@bengreenman
July 2 is when Congress declared independence. July 4 is when the Declaration was ratified. So today's the anniversary of lots of reading

@ikebarinholtz
What did you guys get America for her birthday? I totally forgot so I'm just gonna do an iTunes gift card

@andrewlowe
the most painful part of the 4th of july is watching beautiful pictures of fireworks get ruined with instagram filters

@bazecraze
Let me be the awkward pause in your small-town fireworks show.

@jonnysun
helo girl are u a firework b/c i only see u maybe 3 times a year & ur very pretty & im scared to get closer to u