@Bill_Nye_Tho
before i say "Happy Thanksgiving" ima give mad props to turkeys. They just went thru a holocaust its over guys if u survived ur good

@TimJohnless
This is Thanksgiving for god's sake. You don't quit eating until you hate yourself.

@jerryRenek
Attention shoplifters: There is no person working today who gives a damn about his employer.

@DamienFahey
Time to sit back and watch your family's Thanksgiving dinner conversation follow the same progression of every YouTube comment thread.

@DannyZuker
Thinking about the people in my life who are unable to spend Thanksgiving with their extended families this year and hating them.

@TheJustinDuncan
If you send a Happy Thanksgiving mass text, you're the scum of the earth.

@robdelaney
Flushing buckets of protein powder & gristle down my toilet to get it warmed up for the main event.

@GayAtHomeDad
Let's celebrate the genocide of a culture by eating insane amounts of food and then abandoning our families to buy shit we won't care about.

@tupactopus
s/o everyone who needs a specific date to remember what they're thankful for

@XplodingUnicorn
The fact that you’re ignoring your family on Thanksgiving to read this tweet makes you the real hero.

@Ruth_A_Buzzi
Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. Don't forget, before going to bed, to set your scales back 5 pounds.

@KevinFarzad
Stay in shape this Thanksgiving by running away every time you see someone you went to high school with.

@ConanOBrien
Fortunately, "gobble gobble" is turkey for "I'm ready, Jesus."

@juskewitch
Decided I wouldn't use my laptop for the next 4 days because I don't want to spend 30 seconds taking it out of my bag at the airport.

@lawblob
asked what I'm thankful for at Thanksgiving I clear my throat and say "Obamacare," then steal my cousin's PS4 in the ensuing chaos