@michmarkowitz
"Guess I'll text every girl I know today and see if I get any bites?" - dudes

@eTHEgoddess
I just asked a nap to be my Valentine.

@_dte
Surprise your spouse with a mural of them on your wall, painted in the blood of their enemies!

@TimDuffy
Thinking of keeping one of those large Reese's Peanut-butter hearts on ice in case my actual heart gives out. Happy Valentine's Day!

@capricecrane
Don't feel bad if you don't have a Valentine, it probably just means you're completely unlovable. Happy Valentine's Day!

@desusnice
Saying "Happy Valentine's Day ma" to random chicks on the street is harassment but these hail mary passes aint gonna throw themselves

@kellyoxford
Just realized that mist you feel on your face when it isn't raining is bird shit from a high elevation. Happy Valentine's Day!

@GSElevator
#1: Yes, I need a Hallmark card to express feelings that I don't have and am too lazy to fake.

@NightValeRadio
You say you’re going to be alone on Valentine’s Day, but you forget about the insects, ghosts, & surveillance devices in your home.

@kellyoxford
Valentine's Day is bullshit. (If I don't get something I will probably cry)

@alispagnola
Crap. Valentine's Day is Friday. I have two days to pick up a hot boyfriend of two years. Or liquor.