@Kal_County
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?

@meganamram
I try to buy American, but I just can't find a good domestic finger trap.

@ShortSleeveSuit
An emergency vehicle siren but replace it with Owen Wilson’s “wow”

@badbanana
Before I go into a job interview, I always dump Gatorade over my head so everyone knows I'm a winner.

@DamienFahey
Most of the 1800s was spent painting chubby chicks.

@fart
need a last minute valentine's day gift for that special lady? why not give her the timeless gift of my phone number