@TheCatWhisprer
*spreads toilet seat cover over santa's lap before sitting down*

@JermHimselfish
I was going to do a Liam Neeson joke, but I feel like the best ones have already been taken.

@KKAlThani
Writing a book titled "Understanding women". The first page will have a real knife & the rest will show you different ways to kill yourself.

@clarkekant
Apparently dogs can die if they eat a lot of chocolate. I wish I had a delicious way to kill myself.

@plemur
I think the thing that really gets me hard is increased blood flow to my penis.

@TravantiQuinn
People like to put words in your mouth, predictive-text likes to put words in your phone.