@hipstermermaid
I love when couples get sick together because that’s what people deserve for being happy.

@SlappNuttz
Remember when only the really cool people were on Twitter? Oh, you weren't here then? Oops, my bad...

@ScottLinnen
Oh man what's it called when you keep doing the same thing over & over but keep getting the same result? Oh yeah, I'm a serial killer.

@jonnysun
if your dog is over 8 years old (56 in dog years) then your dog is a boomer, sorry

@shariv67
My dog stared at me for 10 minutes. Then, like magic, I knew he had to poop. And now, I have my own psychic show on A&E.

@UNDEADTRESOR
Lighten up your drive-thru experience by saying "I just need two buns" into the speaker then pulling up with a live cow in your backseat.