@kellyoxford
Picturing all of your organs, just laying there pulsating under your skin, is a pretty terrible way to try to fall asleep.

@JennyJohnsonHi5
You couldn't even imagine how good I am at taking a fake phone call to get out of a boring conversation. It's Oscar worthy.

@juliussharpe
I'll vote for whichever candidate promises to get rid of banner ads that move when you scroll down.

@thesulk
Friday night is Fred Flintstone sliding down the dinosaur's back.

@JasonLastname
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

@kevinseccia
If there's a God then how come sometimes tomatoes get slightly too soft and then feel weird in your mouth?