@lazerdoov
Furniture stores keep the guy who voices their commercials in a windowless room full of cocaine.

@iTomFoolery
Can a hippo be a hypocrite. Would the elephants call him hippocrite. Then he can call them elecunts.

@donni
We have bike lanes and carpool lanes. I demand a waterslide lane on every major road.

@KevinFarzad
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.

@snowness
Oddly enough, when ducks take pictures of themselves, they make the drunk sorority girl face.

@LaytesAgain
Who forgot his phone charger today? THIS gu