@bobvulfov
(as soon as it's midnight on september 22nd) hell yeah i no longer have to hit up those people i said i'd grab a drink with this summer

@jane_bot
Just told a coworker "I ain't scerd, lil' bitch." and threw my stapler. I blame the hardcore rap.

@roothakers
This youth group broke the number one cardinal rule of making money at a Car Wash. They let the fat chick hold the car wash sign.

@Abulzeeek
6.8 billion people in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich.

@BDGarp
Potatoes are high in carbs. 'Baked' potatoes are just high.

@JennyJohnsonHi5
At my mom's house. Just asked if we could record Dateline and she said she doesn't have a blank VHS tape and now my left arm is numb.