@JakeNicholas
Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.

@nerdfaced
If the only way you say "Happy Birthday" to someone is via their Facebook wall, they're not your friend.

@ScottLinnen
Oh man what's it called when you keep doing the same thing over & over but keep getting the same result? Oh yeah, I'm a serial killer.

@XplodingUnicorn
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.

@clarkekant
Valentine's Day is nothing but a commercialized holiday created by pharmaceutical companies to get lonely singles to buy antidepressants.

@clarkekant
Instead of God, try worshipping a golf cart for a few years and see if it makes any difference.