@UGotMeRight
My boss says I need to work on my people skills & he needs to work on his changing four slashed tires skills.

@LaughingSquid
I remember 2010 like it was yesterday

@randypaint
i feel bad for boomers. their parents taught them rules like “wearing a hat at the dinner table is rude” and they were too stupid to be like what that makes no fucking sense at all

@shariv67
About 50% of the time "good luck" means "fuck you."

@jeffporper
Ever since I ate that Dominos artisan style pizza I can't stop painting my bathroom.

@JimGaffigan
"How about a month of obligations, overspending, difficult travel and horrible weather?" - The pitch for the month of December.