@Fred_Delicious
Bruce Willis marks his height on his bedroom wall. He started doing it 2 years ago & it’s just an increasingly thick line at the same height

@Trick_or_tweet
Given how many times I've been poked, Googled, and deep crawled, you'd think I'd have a lot more to brag about.

@montaukmonster1
“I’m so wasted!!” –Vegetables in my refrigerator.

@DannyZuker
Based on the reaction of the pharmacist who just sold me cold pills, I need to work on my "I'm not going to make meth with these" smile.

@fart
if you give everyone easier access to guns then nobody will shoot anyone else because everyone has the guns and nobody will use them ever

@meganamram
I can kill a man with nothing but my bare gun