@sbellelauren
sometimes when i'm doing my taxes i'm like maybe prison would be easier

@Paxochka
According to the "you snooze you lose" principle insomnia makes us winners.

@PaulyPeligroso
Easter is almost here. So to celebrate, I'm going to get nailed and hammered like Jesus would want me to.

@zepadeedoodah
Glad my name's not Dan. Too much pressure to be the man.

@nealbrennan
100% of people who eat in the dining area of the grocery store are murderers.

@donni
Some think the economy is slowly recovering. Others think it's on the verge of collapse. I think about boobs mostly.