@LizHackett
My favorite part of unexpectedly seeing someone I know at the grocery store is waiting twenty minutes until they're gone to climb out of the freezer case.

@shutupmikeginn
Day 1 of tea instead of coffee I was ready to kill myself, but now on the fourth day, I'm ready to kill others

@dosesofneurosis
I have boobs & a calculator. Math is irrelevant.

@donni
This ceiling fan keeps knocking over my ceiling furniture.

@donni
How exactly was a black hole sun supposed to wash away the rain, Soundgarden?

@kolchak
Oh, your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?