@BlitznBeans
I think it's important for women to know there are men who stand at urinals and pee with their hands on their hips like they're Superman.

@BlitznBeans
I hold the U.S. indoor record for waiting in the house until my neighbors go back inside.

@BlitznBeans
Not to brag but I have approximately 5000 compact discs I haven't listened to since 2003 that are preventing me from moving on with my life.

@BlitznBeans
So, what're all of us fortunate people complaining about today?

@BlitznBeans
CAUGHT ON TAPE: Lint

@BlitznBeans
"Bring a fucking tree in your house and buy toys!!!" - God