@BuckyIsotope
I shot a leprechaun in Reno just to watch him die
I shot a leprechaun in Reno just to watch him die
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@BuckyIsotope
Donald Trump is one of those people you would never let be the banker in a Monopoly game
Donald Trump is one of those people you would never let be the banker in a Monopoly game
@BuckyIsotope
*Jesus hanging on cross next to thieves* Lean in guys, let’s do a face swap
*Jesus hanging on cross next to thieves* Lean in guys, let’s do a face swap
@BuckyIsotope
[stranded on deserted island] *spells out message in rocks* WHAT’S THE WIFI PASSWORD
[stranded on deserted island] *spells out message in rocks* WHAT’S THE WIFI PASSWORD
@BuckyIsotope
LITTLE KNOWN FACT: The dye used to color Sesame Street’s Elmo red is made from the blood of virgin Canadians.
LITTLE KNOWN FACT: The dye used to color Sesame Street’s Elmo red is made from the blood of virgin Canadians.
@BuckyIsotope
Being a grown up is throwing something at the trash can, missing, then actually going over and picking it back up.
Being a grown up is throwing something at the trash can, missing, then actually going over and picking it back up.
@BuckyIsotope
*throws plate of Kraft Mac and Cheese at wall* I TOLD YOU I CAN’T EAT SPICY FOOD
*throws plate of Kraft Mac and Cheese at wall* I TOLD YOU I CAN’T EAT SPICY FOOD
@BuckyIsotope
I just Tokyo drifted my shopping cart into the checkout line and now all the moms in this grocery store want to have an affair with me.
I just Tokyo drifted my shopping cart into the checkout line and now all the moms in this grocery store want to have an affair with me.
@BuckyIsotope
My cat just sneezed directly into my eyeballs so I’ll probably be dead soon. Goodbye, guys. No, you can’t have my stuff.
My cat just sneezed directly into my eyeballs so I’ll probably be dead soon. Goodbye, guys. No, you can’t have my stuff.
@BuckyIsotope
The Karate Kid grew up to be The Karate Man and now he's the Pizza Hut delivery guy with a ponytail who tries to talk to you about swords.
The Karate Kid grew up to be The Karate Man and now he's the Pizza Hut delivery guy with a ponytail who tries to talk to you about swords.
@BuckyIsotope
My fake mustache fell off in Home Depot and now they won’t let me touch any of the power tools.
My fake mustache fell off in Home Depot and now they won’t let me touch any of the power tools.
@BuckyIsotope
"Money doesn't grow on trees" is something rich people say so you won't find their money trees.
"Money doesn't grow on trees" is something rich people say so you won't find their money trees.
@BuckyIsotope
I want a girl with a short skirt and a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng neck. I want to date a giraffe basically.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng neck. I want to date a giraffe basically.
@BuckyIsotope
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “why the long face?” The horse sues him for discrimination and wins $4.3 million and the bar.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “why the long face?” The horse sues him for discrimination and wins $4.3 million and the bar.
@BuckyIsotope
I bet Metallica gets really upset whenever they walk through a metal detector and it doesn’t go off.
I bet Metallica gets really upset whenever they walk through a metal detector and it doesn’t go off.
@BuckyIsotope
ATTENTION TARGET SHOPPERS THERE IS A VAN PARKED OUTSIDE WITH A FLAMING UNICORN PAINTED ON IT WOULD THE OWNER PLEASE COME UP FRONT FOR A HI 5
ATTENTION TARGET SHOPPERS THERE IS A VAN PARKED OUTSIDE WITH A FLAMING UNICORN PAINTED ON IT WOULD THE OWNER PLEASE COME UP FRONT FOR A HI 5
@BuckyIsotope
A sad time in a dad's life is when your son finally dunks on you so you have to cut his hamstring while he sleeps so he can't do it again
A sad time in a dad's life is when your son finally dunks on you so you have to cut his hamstring while he sleeps so he can't do it again
@BuckyIsotope
Went to Big Lots with a $100 gift certificate and they just handed me the keys to the store.
Went to Big Lots with a $100 gift certificate and they just handed me the keys to the store.
@BuckyIsotope
*builds time machine* *travels back to first Thanksgiving* *slaps cranberries out of pilgrim's hand* You're not making this a thing
*builds time machine* *travels back to first Thanksgiving* *slaps cranberries out of pilgrim's hand* You're not making this a thing
@BuckyIsotope
*cop pulls me over* "Sir do you-" You a cop? You have to tell me if you're a cop "What?" You seem cool. Wanna buy some weed? *pause* "Yes"
*cop pulls me over* "Sir do you-" You a cop? You have to tell me if you're a cop "What?" You seem cool. Wanna buy some weed? *pause* "Yes"
@BuckyIsotope
The first rule of dad club is shut the goddamn door on your way in, we're not trying to heat the whole outdoors here.
The first rule of dad club is shut the goddamn door on your way in, we're not trying to heat the whole outdoors here.
@BuckyIsotope
My career as a baseball catcher was cut short because I insisted on kissing the ball every time before I threw it back to the pitcher.
My career as a baseball catcher was cut short because I insisted on kissing the ball every time before I threw it back to the pitcher.
@BuckyIsotope
So son, you want to win the science fair, eh? We can solve this with good ol' American know-how *drone strikes other projects* We win
So son, you want to win the science fair, eh? We can solve this with good ol' American know-how *drone strikes other projects* We win
@BuckyIsotope
Everybody was Kung Fu fighting. Except Gary. Gary was in your house going through your underwear drawer. He also kissed your cat.
Everybody was Kung Fu fighting. Except Gary. Gary was in your house going through your underwear drawer. He also kissed your cat.
@BuckyIsotope
If Yo Yo Ma doesn't answer the phone by saying "cello" then I consider his entire life a failure.
If Yo Yo Ma doesn't answer the phone by saying "cello" then I consider his entire life a failure.
@BuckyIsotope
*Pillsbury Doughboy approaches mic* I would like to apologize for my recent actions, but would remind you I never claimed to be a roll model
*Pillsbury Doughboy approaches mic* I would like to apologize for my recent actions, but would remind you I never claimed to be a roll model
@BuckyIsotope
If you like piña coladas And getting caught in the rain Then you are some kind of weirdo *swipes left on tinder*
If you like piña coladas And getting caught in the rain Then you are some kind of weirdo *swipes left on tinder*
@BuckyIsotope
The .01% of germs that remain alive in your mouth after mouthwash are the Liam Neeson guys who are really pissed and looking for revenge.
The .01% of germs that remain alive in your mouth after mouthwash are the Liam Neeson guys who are really pissed and looking for revenge.
@BuckyIsotope
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
@BuckyIsotope
We’ve replaced Steve’s regular coffee with a detailed understanding of the impending heat death of the universe. Let’s see if he notices.
We’ve replaced Steve’s regular coffee with a detailed understanding of the impending heat death of the universe. Let’s see if he notices.
@BuckyIsotope
Everyone in the world but you is a robot and the experiment is going really poorly.
Everyone in the world but you is a robot and the experiment is going really poorly.
@BuckyIsotope
Girl are you the legendary Pokemon Mewtwo? Because I’ve been playing with my balls all day and you’re nowhere to be found.
Girl are you the legendary Pokemon Mewtwo? Because I’ve been playing with my balls all day and you’re nowhere to be found.
@BuckyIsotope
Just saw Biden check his Tamagotchi during Obama’s speech and Boehner snicker when he saw it was dead.
Just saw Biden check his Tamagotchi during Obama’s speech and Boehner snicker when he saw it was dead.
@BuckyIsotope
Just made a deal with the devil. I got a PS2, half a box of white wine and an autographed photo of George Bush in exchange for my Kia Soul.
Just made a deal with the devil. I got a PS2, half a box of white wine and an autographed photo of George Bush in exchange for my Kia Soul.
@BuckyIsotope
Cinderella (2014) - A despotic prince with a foot fetish forces all female citizens of his kingdom to undergo mandatory DNA testing.
Cinderella (2014) - A despotic prince with a foot fetish forces all female citizens of his kingdom to undergo mandatory DNA testing.
@BuckyIsotope
If Abraham Lincoln were alive today he’d probably run a really good blog about top hats and play bass in a Grateful Dead cover band.
If Abraham Lincoln were alive today he’d probably run a really good blog about top hats and play bass in a Grateful Dead cover band.
@BuckyIsotope
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear. Also sorry for the shoddy manscaping.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear. Also sorry for the shoddy manscaping.
@BuckyIsotope
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
@BuckyIsotope
67 ha ha ha 68 ha ha ha 69 HA HA HA OH MY GOD HA HA HA I’M DYING - Why Sesame Street never lets The Count get that far on air
67 ha ha ha 68 ha ha ha 69 HA HA HA OH MY GOD HA HA HA I’M DYING - Why Sesame Street never lets The Count get that far on air
@BuckyIsotope
I’m abandoning Obamacare for Bidencare. Everyone gets a sixer of Natty Light, 2 copies of Hustler from 1978 and a VHS copy of Caddyshack.
I’m abandoning Obamacare for Bidencare. Everyone gets a sixer of Natty Light, 2 copies of Hustler from 1978 and a VHS copy of Caddyshack.
@BuckyIsotope
There’s a highway to hell. There’s only a stairway to heaven. So a car ride downhill or an arduous climb up. Anyway, welcome to the baptism.
There’s a highway to hell. There’s only a stairway to heaven. So a car ride downhill or an arduous climb up. Anyway, welcome to the baptism.
@BuckyIsotope
What do you do when the pumpkin you're trying to carve keeps thrashing and yelling "I'm not a pumpkin, it's Steve you crazy bastard!"
What do you do when the pumpkin you're trying to carve keeps thrashing and yelling "I'm not a pumpkin, it's Steve you crazy bastard!"
@BuckyIsotope
The generic brand Kool-Aid Man just walks into walls and mutters "whatever" and tries to steal your wallet.
The generic brand Kool-Aid Man just walks into walls and mutters "whatever" and tries to steal your wallet.
@BuckyIsotope
Wrote "I wanna rock!" on every answer to this Geology test and they made me a tenured professor with a beard and an Indiana Jones hat.
Wrote "I wanna rock!" on every answer to this Geology test and they made me a tenured professor with a beard and an Indiana Jones hat.
@BuckyIsotope
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? You're hot but you make me really uncomfortable, sometimes my underwear gets sticky and I get burned
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? You're hot but you make me really uncomfortable, sometimes my underwear gets sticky and I get burned
@BuckyIsotope
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if you crushed his spirit by telling him how worthless he was and deprived him of a good education?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if you crushed his spirit by telling him how worthless he was and deprived him of a good education?
@BuckyIsotope
Sorry I moaned seductively while eating a Gogurt at your bible study group.
Sorry I moaned seductively while eating a Gogurt at your bible study group.
@BuckyIsotope
The toy inside my McDonald's Apathy Meal is just a lump of gray plastic and an instruction sheet that says "Whatever. This job sucks."
The toy inside my McDonald's Apathy Meal is just a lump of gray plastic and an instruction sheet that says "Whatever. This job sucks."
@BuckyIsotope
*batman voice* Alfred, my bat-wang is stuck in my bat-zipper. Bat-help.
*batman voice* Alfred, my bat-wang is stuck in my bat-zipper. Bat-help.