@ColoradoUgly
Great gift for Trump supporters: Place a bar of soap in their Christmas stocking and beat them with it after they fall asleep

@ColoradoUgly
That fart voided the warranty on our couch.

@ColoradoUgly
Don't commit suicide by jumping off a building or they might report it as a parkour accident.

@ColoradoUgly
My daughter got her dress caught in the escalator and I had to walk away fast so people wouldn't think she was with me.

@ColoradoUgly
Well quit blocking my knife if you don't like being stabbed in the hands.

@ColoradoUgly
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I'll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.