@DirtMcTurd
If a woman puts me in the friend zone I immediately borrow money from her and never pay it back because that's what friends do.

@DirtMcTurd
I had a rib removed so I could cry further into my lap

@DirtMcTurd
The opposite of SpongeBob SquarePants is TowelWeave CircleShorts

@DirtMcTurd
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action and opened another register

@DirtMcTurd
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl's hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins