@JermHimselfish
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

@JermHimselfish
Just once, I'd like to open up my refrigerator and find cartoon versions of my favorite foods arguing over which one of them is healthier.

@JermHimselfish
I have a thing for women with dark hair and dark eyes, and that thing is called a penis.

@JermHimselfish
When I die, I want my tombstone to read "He died doing what he loved. Hating whatever he was doing."

@JermHimselfish
I was going to do a Liam Neeson joke, but I feel like the best ones have already been taken.

@JermHimselfish
"Poop" is quite possibly the shittiest palindrome in the whole English language.