@desusnice
Can't be an atheist after getting in a subway car with no a/c because u now know hell is real

@desusnice
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they're not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

@desusnice
a beer at yankee stadium is like a monthly mortgage payment in any other state

@desusnice
if ur fighting with your bae but sleepy, write what you're mad about on a piece of paper so u can continue in the morning

@desusnice
everytime pitbull performs i get scared because i probably know the words from drunken bar nights

@desusnice
twitter might remove the 140 character limit so i'm putting some 800 word tweets with character development & plot twists in my drafts

@desusnice
zombies break out in nyc we aint noticing for 4 days because the motto is "MIND YA BUSINESS"

@desusnice
The Wifi and the deodorant of the person sitting next to me on this flight did not work :(

@desusnice
if they changed the rules so you could wear timbs instead of skates black ppl would take over hockey

@desusnice
If the hamburgler was black he'd be dead because mayor mccheese was basically rudy Giuliani

@desusnice
Ppl really messing with football players on twitter like they're not one concussion away from waiting for u in ur darkened house

@desusnice
Gotta add "we're thankful we survived obama' to the thanksgiving blessing just to get the conversation going

@desusnice
Saying "Happy Valentine's Day ma" to random chicks on the street is harassment but these hail mary passes aint gonna throw themselves