@dosesofneurosis
Some mornings I just want to brew the coffee directly into my mouth.

@dosesofneurosis
I have boobs & a calculator. Math is irrelevant.

@dosesofneurosis
Just blew my nose so hard that it got down on one knee & proposed.

@dosesofneurosis
Sometimes it’s too hard to hate everyone all at once, so I hate people in shifts.

@dosesofneurosis
Son just threatened to poke me in the 'belly butthole". Pretty sure he meant belly button, but I'm on guard just in case.

@dosesofneurosis
Carefully carving my pills into little heart shapes because I’m festive as fuck.