@elijahdaniel
ted cruz looks like he puts ketchup all over his fries instead dipping them

@elijahdaniel
just saw someone I love eat pizza with a fork & knife and this just really goes to show that people are monsters and you can't trust anyone

@elijahdaniel
a white girl slowly crawls out of her ugg castle, "it's almost pumpkin spice time" she growls as she sniffs the air.

@elijahdaniel
I just emptied a caprisun into a glass and added vodka so that's where i'm at in life.

@elijahdaniel
if you whisper "snapchat" in the mirror 3 times a white girl will appear and say "hold on let me grab my Bacardi before you take the pic!"

@elijahdaniel
ok sir guacamole is gonna be an extra $1.80 plus the rights to sacrifice your soul to the dark lord satan thank u for choosing chipotle