@extranapkins
I don’t mean this in a rude way but every motorcycle should come with a built-in decibel meter where if the engine goes over a certain volume the bike explodes, killing the rider

@extranapkins
Do you ever think about how "Chips Ahoy" is meant to evoke a weary ship captain finally encountering a cookie with a decent amount of chips

@extranapkins
Apparently Great Clips doesn't like it when you sit in there 8hrs/day chomping on a cigar shouting HE AINT PRETTY NO MORE after every cut

@extranapkins
Figured out how to jailbreak my dog and now I'm running all the cool cat apps on him - watching him go nuts on a piece of string right now

@extranapkins
Towels are a scam... think about it - a towel is only a towel, but anything that's like pants or a sheet or whatever is also a towel

@extranapkins
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 5 billion dollaers???