@fart
2018 is the year i will become a hot instagram model who posts cryptic teen shit like "i never look back" and gets 85k rts

@fart
today is the 8th anniversary of steve jobs waterslide accident where he torpedoed at high speed into a snack bar and died. time goes so fast

@fart
need a last minute valentine's day gift for that special lady? why not give her the timeless gift of my phone number

@fart
proud of my upstairs neighbors for finally pulling it together and working up the energy to vacuum every inch of their place at 10:27 pm

@fart
this is my son Mason. yes like the shitty cheap mass produced jar. i named him that because its a good name for my underwhelming baby boy

@fart
you become your "real you" when you are hunched over eating a burrito on the toilet and you look up and see yourself in the mirror