@markleggett
Shit. Fuck! Don't look now, but there's a fuckin' ambulance right behind us. FUCK! Okay, everyone act healthy...

@markleggett
I just paid $4,000 to have a skywriter write "Actually, Vanessa, YOU'RE the one who's being 'dramatic'."

@markleggett
Thank you, Mario, for rescuing our daughter… So, what now? Like, do we just pay you standard plumber rates? We didn't ask you to do this.

@markleggett
My dear, departed animal companion. Although no longer with me, your name is now immortalised as part of a password I use on many websites.

@markleggett
You have something big inside you. Share it with the world: Metamucil™

@markleggett
"Where's Waldo?" books become more thrilling if you think "Okay… Waldo's my brother and he's off his meds and will die if I don't find him."