@ronnui_
Got the vaccine and I can't stop connecting to my phone's bluetooth

@ronnui_
Writing a resume is hard when you're average. You just start listing all the bad things you didn't do. "Has never stolen a seafaring vessel." It's like when a bottle of water is like "gluten free" bc what else are you going to say about it, it's water

@ronnui_
Legally changing my name to How To Tie a Tie so it's nearly impossible for my employers to google me

@ronnui_
KITCHEN TIP: To quickly slice a banana, push it through the strings of an acoustic guitar, and collect the pieces from the built-in banana receptacle.

@ronnui_
Computers are easy to explain- they are just like the body. Let's start with the processor, that's like the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also like the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. The motherboard, you guessed it- the taint

@ronnui_
Women get to smell like real things (vanilla, lavender) but men have to smell like concepts. What the fuck is "cool sport rush"