@ConanOBrien
The name Red Lobster is helpful if you totally forgot what color lobsters are.

@ConanOBrien
Every generation just wants their kids to have a better “Spiderman” reboot than they did.

@ConanOBrien
After months of practice, I can finally touch my toes. (By telling them that they are beautiful.)

@ConanOBrien
If eating fish is so good for your brain, how come sharks always score so poorly on the SAT?

@ConanOBrien
You can put the word “blood” in front of “oranges” and people will still eat them. Don’t even try it, bananas.

@ConanOBrien
My favorite new song is either that one from the Samsung commercial, or the one from the Budweiser commercial.