@DavidKlein5
Can't believe it's 2012 and still possible for me to cut myself shaving.
Can't believe it's 2012 and still possible for me to cut myself shaving.
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@DavidKlein5
So this girl makes her own hummus. We're in different tax brackets I'm guessing.
So this girl makes her own hummus. We're in different tax brackets I'm guessing.
@DavidKlein5
Had to sober up in a hurry this morning so I chugged a few Coors lights.
Had to sober up in a hurry this morning so I chugged a few Coors lights.
@DavidKlein5
Coors Light ships cold straight from the factory. I wish other water companies would do the same.
Coors Light ships cold straight from the factory. I wish other water companies would do the same.
@DavidKlein5
If you know the thread count on your bed sheets we're in different tax brackets.
If you know the thread count on your bed sheets we're in different tax brackets.
@DavidKlein5
If you're in Los Angeles and lost your wallet near the Starbucks on Melrose I found your wallet but not the $58 inside it.
If you're in Los Angeles and lost your wallet near the Starbucks on Melrose I found your wallet but not the $58 inside it.
@DavidKlein5
Removed all the mirrors from my house because I'm tired of living with that asshole.
Removed all the mirrors from my house because I'm tired of living with that asshole.
@DavidKlein5
The first 2 slices of pizza cure depression and the last 14 bring it right back.
The first 2 slices of pizza cure depression and the last 14 bring it right back.
@DavidKlein5
If your lawyer has a ponytail you're going to prison.
If your lawyer has a ponytail you're going to prison.
@DavidKlein5
Fighting a lion is on my bucket list but I should probably make it the last thing.
Fighting a lion is on my bucket list but I should probably make it the last thing.
@DavidKlein5
My corner store failed because most people want more than just the corners of stuff.
My corner store failed because most people want more than just the corners of stuff.
@DavidKlein5
Must be tough for an honest Nigerian businessman to make a living.
Must be tough for an honest Nigerian businessman to make a living.
@DavidKlein5
One time I was checking out this really hot girl and she paid me for it because I was a grocery store cashier.
One time I was checking out this really hot girl and she paid me for it because I was a grocery store cashier.
@DavidKlein5
It's not fair to blame Pizza Hut for my weight gain. It was more of a Domino effect.
It's not fair to blame Pizza Hut for my weight gain. It was more of a Domino effect.
@DavidKlein5
Serious question: If you walked into a store and saw an alien holding a bag of 12 butterflies would you play it cool or leave?
Serious question: If you walked into a store and saw an alien holding a bag of 12 butterflies would you play it cool or leave?
@DavidKlein5
Setting off the security sensor when exiting a store should involve a trap door or at least a big net that scoops the suspect up.
Setting off the security sensor when exiting a store should involve a trap door or at least a big net that scoops the suspect up.
@DavidKlein5
When people say "I'm not getting any younger!" I wonder what other basic life concepts they just learned.
When people say "I'm not getting any younger!" I wonder what other basic life concepts they just learned.
@DavidKlein5
If the waitress doesn't have a visible tattoo the restaurant is usually too expensive for me.
If the waitress doesn't have a visible tattoo the restaurant is usually too expensive for me.
@DavidKlein5
"The trash compactor is full so just dump that in a pan for now." - Inventor of the fruit cake.
"The trash compactor is full so just dump that in a pan for now." - Inventor of the fruit cake.
@DavidKlein5
If your ringtone is a Black Eyed Peas song you have 4 seconds to answer before the entire office throws their stapler at you.
If your ringtone is a Black Eyed Peas song you have 4 seconds to answer before the entire office throws their stapler at you.