@KenJennings
My rapper name is HDMI. When I drop the mic I say "HDMI Out"
My rapper name is HDMI. When I drop the mic I say "HDMI Out"
Tweets by @KenJennings added on Fun Tweets.
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@KenJennings
My doctor says my emoji use is keeping me young.
My doctor says my emoji use is keeping me young.
@KenJennings
My trademark fight move is to ask someone very nicely not to hit me or be mean to me.
My trademark fight move is to ask someone very nicely not to hit me or be mean to me.
@KenJennings
"USA is #1! USA is #1!" —me explaining international dialing codes
"USA is #1! USA is #1!" —me explaining international dialing codes
@KenJennings
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconuts, then why can't he fix my marriage
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconuts, then why can't he fix my marriage
@KenJennings
This is embarrassing but I just noticed that I've been wearing "2006" New Year's Eve glasses for the past decade. :(
This is embarrassing but I just noticed that I've been wearing "2006" New Year's Eve glasses for the past decade. :(
@KenJennings
Why does Star Wars have 100s of people using lasers to fight and literally NOBODY using them to etch cute wooden drink coasters
Why does Star Wars have 100s of people using lasers to fight and literally NOBODY using them to etch cute wooden drink coasters
@KenJennings
Babies are the most helpless & vulnerable of humans, it's f–ked up that they're the only humans you're allowed to just throw into the air.
Babies are the most helpless & vulnerable of humans, it's f–ked up that they're the only humans you're allowed to just throw into the air.
@KenJennings
For a week I've been telling my kid "If your cough isn't better tomorrow, you're going to the doctor!" and it finally worked. (She died.)
For a week I've been telling my kid "If your cough isn't better tomorrow, you're going to the doctor!" and it finally worked. (She died.)
@KenJennings
My dad is "looks for fettucini in the Ethnic Foods aisle" years old.
My dad is "looks for fettucini in the Ethnic Foods aisle" years old.
@KenJennings
"I love garlic bread! Put another loaf in the oven baby"—fun song I made up at dinner. RT to show my family they're wrong & the song is good
"I love garlic bread! Put another loaf in the oven baby"—fun song I made up at dinner. RT to show my family they're wrong & the song is good
@KenJennings
You all think Trump is funny now but just wait for the wave of white-trash kids named "Donald" entering kindergarten around 2020.
You all think Trump is funny now but just wait for the wave of white-trash kids named "Donald" entering kindergarten around 2020.
@KenJennings
The pope secretly came to my house. He thought it was weird that I had so many Blu-rays still in the shrink wrap. I'll get around to them!
The pope secretly came to my house. He thought it was weird that I had so many Blu-rays still in the shrink wrap. I'll get around to them!
@KenJennings
I say "post-9/11" for literally anything that happened in the last 14 years. Madagascar 2 is so post-9/11. Dr Pepper Ten is a post-9/11 soda
I say "post-9/11" for literally anything that happened in the last 14 years. Madagascar 2 is so post-9/11. Dr Pepper Ten is a post-9/11 soda
@KenJennings
The airport lady at passport control saw I was American & warned me there were no McDonald's past security. I feel very profiled & grateful.
The airport lady at passport control saw I was American & warned me there were no McDonald's past security. I feel very profiled & grateful.
@KenJennings
Just told a couple disbelieving millennials about how we used to have to poop without cell phones.
Just told a couple disbelieving millennials about how we used to have to poop without cell phones.
@KenJennings
I'm sorry, this is awkward. Those weather maps are interesting but I'm actually looking for a "meaty urologist."
I'm sorry, this is awkward. Those weather maps are interesting but I'm actually looking for a "meaty urologist."
@KenJennings
I don't care if Ernie and Bert are gay or not, but how do they afford that apartment? Do they even have jobs.
I don't care if Ernie and Bert are gay or not, but how do they afford that apartment? Do they even have jobs.
@KenJennings
smdh at dollhouses without stairs between the different floors. Hows that going to work, dumb-ass.
smdh at dollhouses without stairs between the different floors. Hows that going to work, dumb-ass.
@KenJennings
The greatest trick the devil ever played is emailing you & then sending an "out of office" notification when you reply like 30 seconds later
The greatest trick the devil ever played is emailing you & then sending an "out of office" notification when you reply like 30 seconds later
@KenJennings
The greatest plot twist of all time is in the Bible where, halfway through, God suddenly turns out to be nice.
The greatest plot twist of all time is in the Bible where, halfway through, God suddenly turns out to be nice.
@KenJennings
I get so excited every time I see an armored car but then, guess what, no heist.
I get so excited every time I see an armored car but then, guess what, no heist.
@KenJennings
"Could you eat scrambled eggs even if you had no saliva?" and other things my wife did not want to talk about at brunch
"Could you eat scrambled eggs even if you had no saliva?" and other things my wife did not want to talk about at brunch
@KenJennings
"Florence + the Machine" would be a funny name for a Leonardo da Vinci biopic. Follow this account for more goodass Renaissance tweets
"Florence + the Machine" would be a funny name for a Leonardo da Vinci biopic. Follow this account for more goodass Renaissance tweets
@KenJennings
The camera adds 10 pounds but a barbershop smock and fluorescent light is more like 25.
The camera adds 10 pounds but a barbershop smock and fluorescent light is more like 25.
@KenJennings
Note to guy who hit the crosswalk button like 45 seconds after I did & just then it changed: You didn't do that. I did that.
Note to guy who hit the crosswalk button like 45 seconds after I did & just then it changed: You didn't do that. I did that.
@KenJennings
*scrolling through Liam Neeson action movies* Sigh, why are all the good ones either GREY or TAKEN
*scrolling through Liam Neeson action movies* Sigh, why are all the good ones either GREY or TAKEN
@KenJennings
"I'm a good person, obviously." --everyone
"I'm a good person, obviously." --everyone
@KenJennings
what % of the time are birds just chilling
what % of the time are birds just chilling
@KenJennings
I just ran into a doorknob and swore at it but in all honesty, like 99.9% of my doorknob interactions all-time have been positive & helpful
I just ran into a doorknob and swore at it but in all honesty, like 99.9% of my doorknob interactions all-time have been positive & helpful
@KenJennings
Maybe Michael J. Fox could get a new show where his character doesn't have Parkinson's but he's a conductor aboard a moving train.
Maybe Michael J. Fox could get a new show where his character doesn't have Parkinson's but he's a conductor aboard a moving train.
@KenJennings
Does anyone know of any rappers who are proud of their hometowns?
Does anyone know of any rappers who are proud of their hometowns?
@KenJennings
I dont tweet much abt my goal to poop every letter of the alphabet. Did the easy ones (C, J) yrs ago. Just toughies left. Your B & W. Your Q
I dont tweet much abt my goal to poop every letter of the alphabet. Did the easy ones (C, J) yrs ago. Just toughies left. Your B & W. Your Q
@KenJennings
Naming my favorite books is like choosing which of my kids I love more! In that I have a full list right here, do you have a pencil ready
Naming my favorite books is like choosing which of my kids I love more! In that I have a full list right here, do you have a pencil ready
@KenJennings
Miley Cyrus down at the post office lickin all the stamps. Mail lady says they're not even that kind of stamp anymore but Miley doesn't stop
Miley Cyrus down at the post office lickin all the stamps. Mail lady says they're not even that kind of stamp anymore but Miley doesn't stop
@KenJennings
The plural of "person on Segway" is "losers."
The plural of "person on Segway" is "losers."
@KenJennings
why is it so hard just to get your kids to say "bitch please" and "bitch thank you"
why is it so hard just to get your kids to say "bitch please" and "bitch thank you"
@KenJennings
The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you're AT BEST his #2 fan.
The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you're AT BEST his #2 fan.
@KenJennings
FREE $1,000,000,000 IDEA: a Tumblr-type platform for list-making called Schindlr
FREE $1,000,000,000 IDEA: a Tumblr-type platform for list-making called Schindlr
@KenJennings
The Michelin Man is the most racist mascot in corporate history, because TIRES ARE BLACK.
The Michelin Man is the most racist mascot in corporate history, because TIRES ARE BLACK.
@KenJennings
DID YOU KNOW? If you sleep on your side every night, your face eventually slides around your head like on a flounder.
DID YOU KNOW? If you sleep on your side every night, your face eventually slides around your head like on a flounder.
@KenJennings
I wonder how much more I would have time to accomplish in my life if hotel lamp switches were always in the same place.
I wonder how much more I would have time to accomplish in my life if hotel lamp switches were always in the same place.
@KenJennings
How come old clothes are "vintage" but old people are "nasty over-entitled thugs whose blind selfishness mortgaged America's future"
How come old clothes are "vintage" but old people are "nasty over-entitled thugs whose blind selfishness mortgaged America's future"
@KenJennings
fyi it turns out you CAN get kicked out of Jimmy John's for calling the sprouts "vegetable sperms" live and learn I guess
fyi it turns out you CAN get kicked out of Jimmy John's for calling the sprouts "vegetable sperms" live and learn I guess
@KenJennings
I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.
I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.
@KenJennings
I'm glad the unbelievably loud teenagers on this flight are all white so I can hate them.
I'm glad the unbelievably loud teenagers on this flight are all white so I can hate them.
@KenJennings
If you ever want to be bummed all day, think about how Jordan's national carrier is called "Royal Jordanian Airways" instead of "Air Jordan"
If you ever want to be bummed all day, think about how Jordan's national carrier is called "Royal Jordanian Airways" instead of "Air Jordan"
@KenJennings
TRIVIA: The sinking of the Titanic in 1912 cost 1,502 lives. Adjusting for inflation, that would be over 8,500 people today!
TRIVIA: The sinking of the Titanic in 1912 cost 1,502 lives. Adjusting for inflation, that would be over 8,500 people today!
@KenJennings
Have you heard the "good news" about Jesus? It's his daughter's quinceañera today so he can't do our lawn
Have you heard the "good news" about Jesus? It's his daughter's quinceañera today so he can't do our lawn
@KenJennings
what's that word for when you're peeling off a sticker & it comes off in 1 perfect strip & it's better than love or joy or any human emotion
what's that word for when you're peeling off a sticker & it comes off in 1 perfect strip & it's better than love or joy or any human emotion
@KenJennings
Great, now Ray Lewis has killed more people AND won more Super Bowl rings than me. :(
Great, now Ray Lewis has killed more people AND won more Super Bowl rings than me. :(
@KenJennings
I get that preschoolers go to bed early but it's still weird that Nick Jr becomes a hardcore porn channel every night at 8.
I get that preschoolers go to bed early but it's still weird that Nick Jr becomes a hardcore porn channel every night at 8.
@KenJennings
The worst part of going to church with my family is when we get caught on the Kiss Cam.
The worst part of going to church with my family is when we get caught on the Kiss Cam.
@KenJennings
"LOL what if our packaging was totally easy to tear open...unless you had a cut finger?" --Band-Aid makers, seriously, f those guys
"LOL what if our packaging was totally easy to tear open...unless you had a cut finger?" --Band-Aid makers, seriously, f those guys
@KenJennings
At this point, websites with sudden talking ads have probably taken more years off my life than smoking ever could.
At this point, websites with sudden talking ads have probably taken more years off my life than smoking ever could.
@KenJennings
"Why can't anything be easy?!?" I moaned as my real-time handheld connection to all the world's information briefly ran slower than usual.
"Why can't anything be easy?!?" I moaned as my real-time handheld connection to all the world's information briefly ran slower than usual.
@KenJennings
RULE OF THUMB: If a movie trailer makes me mutter, "No one wants to see that," then about 50-100 million people will want to see that.
RULE OF THUMB: If a movie trailer makes me mutter, "No one wants to see that," then about 50-100 million people will want to see that.
@KenJennings
Somebody just told me they were bad but they didn't say "cha'mone" afterward so haha cmon guy how bad can you be
Somebody just told me they were bad but they didn't say "cha'mone" afterward so haha cmon guy how bad can you be
@KenJennings
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying.
@KenJennings
Romney could still win this if too many Dems accidentally write-in "Nate Silver" with little hearts around it.
Romney could still win this if too many Dems accidentally write-in "Nate Silver" with little hearts around it.
@KenJennings
Been working 25/7 on some new daylight saving time jokes.
Been working 25/7 on some new daylight saving time jokes.
@KenJennings
Everybody get your hurricane jokes out TODAY while it's just killing Haitians and not white people yet
Everybody get your hurricane jokes out TODAY while it's just killing Haitians and not white people yet
@KenJennings
Big night for Romney tomorrow! (He has never met a black man before.)
Big night for Romney tomorrow! (He has never met a black man before.)
@KenJennings
Having kids can really strengthen a marriage. My wife and I never had a common enemy before.
Having kids can really strengthen a marriage. My wife and I never had a common enemy before.
@KenJennings
A gentler Tarantino movie where the two tough hoods argue about whether Peter Gabriel or Phil Collins was a better lead singer in Genesis.
A gentler Tarantino movie where the two tough hoods argue about whether Peter Gabriel or Phil Collins was a better lead singer in Genesis.
@KenJennings
I hate when movies use that fakey "55555" ZIP code so pranksters won't try mailing letters & postcards to the characters.
I hate when movies use that fakey "55555" ZIP code so pranksters won't try mailing letters & postcards to the characters.
@KenJennings
Funny how the more out-of-shape someone is, the more likely they are to refer to their favorite sports team as "we."
Funny how the more out-of-shape someone is, the more likely they are to refer to their favorite sports team as "we."
@KenJennings
An LA cop friend tells me Clint Eastwood has been driving alone in the HOV lane "with the President" for YEARS.
An LA cop friend tells me Clint Eastwood has been driving alone in the HOV lane "with the President" for YEARS.
@KenJennings
BREAKING: Obama to become first black Redditor
BREAKING: Obama to become first black Redditor
@KenJennings
Obama didn't "break Reddit." He inherited all the problems of a website badly weakened by yesterday's Terry Crews AMA.
Obama didn't "break Reddit." He inherited all the problems of a website badly weakened by yesterday's Terry Crews AMA.
@KenJennings
Lots of people couldve landed on the Moon, but I loved how Neil Armstrong avoided interviews & celebrity, feeling that would cheapen it. RIP
Lots of people couldve landed on the Moon, but I loved how Neil Armstrong avoided interviews & celebrity, feeling that would cheapen it. RIP
@KenJennings
On a scale of 1 to 10 you can't even weigh yourself unless you are an infant or leprechaun or something.
On a scale of 1 to 10 you can't even weigh yourself unless you are an infant or leprechaun or something.
@KenJennings
This hardware store is having a "Legitimate Rake" blowout sale wow that was quick
This hardware store is having a "Legitimate Rake" blowout sale wow that was quick
@KenJennings
hate to brag but I can still fit in my Quinceañera dress
hate to brag but I can still fit in my Quinceañera dress
@KenJennings
"I'm not here to make 'Friends'!" --Matthew Perry on some reality show in 2016 so get ready to laugh!
"I'm not here to make 'Friends'!" --Matthew Perry on some reality show in 2016 so get ready to laugh!
@KenJennings
"Mmmm! Mild salsa!" --Mitt Romney
"Mmmm! Mild salsa!" --Mitt Romney
@KenJennings
TRUE STORY: woke up around 3am with a great idea for a tweet; this morning found a note reading "Hills, they are nature's stairs!" Please RT
TRUE STORY: woke up around 3am with a great idea for a tweet; this morning found a note reading "Hills, they are nature's stairs!" Please RT
@KenJennings
don't get me wrong I love my life & family, but I'd trade it all IN A HEARTBEAT for the sweet parking spot I just saw this guy get at Costco
don't get me wrong I love my life & family, but I'd trade it all IN A HEARTBEAT for the sweet parking spot I just saw this guy get at Costco
@KenJennings
I should of studied harder in English.
I should of studied harder in English.
@KenJennings
For the longest time I thought a jetski was what people who say "brewski" for "beer" call an airplane.
For the longest time I thought a jetski was what people who say "brewski" for "beer" call an airplane.
@KenJennings
I hope everyone on this flight covers for me by standing and announcing "No, I am Fartacus!" as we deplane.
I hope everyone on this flight covers for me by standing and announcing "No, I am Fartacus!" as we deplane.
@KenJennings
When I run the media, "blue" and "red" states will be renamed "Crate & Barrel" and "Cracker Barrel" states.
When I run the media, "blue" and "red" states will be renamed "Crate & Barrel" and "Cracker Barrel" states.
@KenJennings
Romney just announced his agenda for his first day in office. So cool that he writes fan fiction!
Romney just announced his agenda for his first day in office. So cool that he writes fan fiction!
@KenJennings
thinking of calling crepes "frenchiladas" from now on who's with me
thinking of calling crepes "frenchiladas" from now on who's with me
@KenJennings
You let your eyes unfocus. The entire page coalesces into a cheery, bespectacled face. Waldo is the entire crowd scene. We are all Waldo.
You let your eyes unfocus. The entire page coalesces into a cheery, bespectacled face. Waldo is the entire crowd scene. We are all Waldo.
@KenJennings
WILD HOMOSEXUAL ORGIES IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM!!! (according to the email my grandma will be forwarding me tomorrow)
WILD HOMOSEXUAL ORGIES IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM!!! (according to the email my grandma will be forwarding me tomorrow)
@KenJennings
DID YOU KNOW? You can feed a lot of squirrels into those pneumatic tubes at the bank before the teller finds the shut-off switch.
DID YOU KNOW? You can feed a lot of squirrels into those pneumatic tubes at the bank before the teller finds the shut-off switch.
@KenJennings
I love timelines that are 100% unanswered tweets @ celebrities. It's like reading letters to Santa.
I love timelines that are 100% unanswered tweets @ celebrities. It's like reading letters to Santa.
@KenJennings
Hey balloon animal guys, there are other dog breeds besides "dachshund" and other jobs besides "balloon animal guy"
Hey balloon animal guys, there are other dog breeds besides "dachshund" and other jobs besides "balloon animal guy"
@KenJennings
A bird just got trapped in our wind chimes and made the next Bon Iver record.
A bird just got trapped in our wind chimes and made the next Bon Iver record.
@KenJennings
If they grew up in the same house and shared a pet, siblings have the same porn name and I think that's just SICK.
If they grew up in the same house and shared a pet, siblings have the same porn name and I think that's just SICK.
@KenJennings
Wife's been out of town 96 hrs now & everything's gone to hell. We're all wearing patio furniture tarps & worshiping a boar head on a stick.
Wife's been out of town 96 hrs now & everything's gone to hell. We're all wearing patio furniture tarps & worshiping a boar head on a stick.