Fun Tweets / @1followernodad

May 3 2018 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
bullshit that you’re supposed to eat healthy your whole life . Like maybe I could do 4 years or something but the whole damn time

Apr 14 2018 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
Is it difficult to decide who in your Coachella pictures is going to flash the peace sign or does it just happen naturally

Mar 30 2018 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
I like to read books about grief at the gym so that people know to leave me alone

Oct 11 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
it's hilarious that are men walking around w/ their fragile wrinkled up gross hairy ballsacks being like "this is the source of my power."

Sep 26 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
wanna know how dumb men are ? my dad went to 13 years of college. smartest guy i know. then he married an anti-vaxxer because she was hot.

Jul 26 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
I literally can't wait to cut my carbon footprint by dying.

Mar 3 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
Who says white people don't have culture? It's just saying the phrase, "my words were taken out of context."

Feb 24 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
i'd like to hire an intern. your only jobs are to go buy me a diet coke & to delete photos off my phone i don't need anymore. $50 for today

Jan 17 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
It's not believable when Billy Bob Thornton isn't an alcoholic in a movie.

Nov 28 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
my 2 yr old today: Mom how'd you get past the cognitivie dissonance of having me even tho climate change will render the world uninhabitable

Nov 14 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
Whoever named the diaper did a lot better than whoever named sweatshirts.

Oct 12 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
I like the religions where they're like "god left after he made earth." that's exactly what I would do if i created this mess.

Aug 23 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
*holding a glass of white wine with 2 hands like it's a mug of hot cocoa*

Aug 3 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
Being an adult is just a competition to see how many times you can say "storage space" before you die.

May 5 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
When I said "I hope you die," I was actually being really thoughtful. Do you really want to experience the unending burdens of immortality?

May 4 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
Once I get tan this summer there's going to be literally only one thing that can stop me: simple carbohydrates

Apr 21 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
A police dog had to sniff my bag but it was a puppy so I wasn't even worried cause it's probably not good at its job yet.

Feb 22 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
I've bought drinks for guys and not as an equality thing but because when I'm drunk I forget that money is real.

Feb 22 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
Nothing is more intimidating to me than someone who genuinely enjoys the outdoors.

Feb 18 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
[Mary Magdalene, in bed with someone else after Jesus dies] Him: You said his name again.

Jan 28 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
adulthood is just eating a taco where the toppings keep falling out and then death

Jan 23 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
I would literally never feel confident enough to drop a piece of equipment as expensive as a mic.

Jan 5 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
When you're checking for murderers in your house, don't just yell out "hello!" that gives them the upper hand. Yell, "YOU AINT SHIT!"

Jan 4 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
Uncle Sophia wants to remind you that cooking spray does *not* double as lube in a pinch.

Nov 2 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
Just changed someone's "fun" name in my phone back to their normal name to regain some control over my life.

Aug 3 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
People who say age is just a number fundamentally don't get numbers and that's why I always borrow money from them.

Mar 15 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@1followernodad
76% of being in a relationship is waiting for someone to watch a show.