@Aimee_B_Loved
Holy crap! I forgot to have coffee today! What else did I forget? WHERE IS MY BABY?!? Wait, do I have one of those? DO I HAVE A BABY?!?

@inthefade
Until yesterday I thought Chatroulette was a French pastry. No wonder the bakery didn't have any.

@TheTweetOfGod
It's too bad the meaning of life is 141 characters.

@seanmurray
Is it gay if a male doctor feels your balls while looking you deep in your eyes and isn't really a doctor but is just some guy at Target?

@BuckyIsotope
There’s a highway to hell. There’s only a stairway to heaven. So a car ride downhill or an arduous climb up. Anyway, welcome to the baptism.

@mattytalks
Parkour is truly the sport that best represents what it would look like if god was running from the cops