@pleatedjeans
[flirting w/girl at bar] And that's why [takes sip from elephant sippy cup] I always use a sippy cup [lid falls off and spills juice on me]

@VaGyver
I didn't think my hangover was that bad, until I spent 10 minutes trying to log into my nephew's Etch-a-sketch.

@GaryJanetti
I'm constantly pretending I know what people are talking about.

@BillMc7
I interviewed for a new secretary today and the last girl blew it. So, she starts tomorrow.

@sween
Please keep the Christ in Christmas, because HalloChristween would just be weird.

@GaryJanetti
I feel really sad for children with cancer and people who still use BlackBerrys.