@Swishergirl24
"Let's make sure there's 3 miles of handicap parking." -Walmart

@monteiro
I love that all the Catholics are easy to single out today. Can't believe no one's tried publically marking people by religion before.

@JimGaffigan
Like most pale people I will be occupying the indoors this summer.

@noeltimesone
I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

@shutupmikeginn
Get off your high horse. Send your high horse to rehab. Keep an eye out to make sure your horse isn't getting high again.

@MrSysex
Little kids be trippin'.