@kolchak
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word "girl" with "gerbil".

@Hadzilla
Our father who art in heaven what does that mean like painting or something

@hipstermermaid
Working on my resumé. How do I spin "total mess" into a marketable skill?

@lafix
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I'd love to be the bear of bad news. "The bad news is, you're gonna need stitches. RAWR!"

@ThatsAFakeLaugh
Catch 22: Husband said if I quit Twitter he would pay for a boob job. But if I had huge jugs I would get tons of new followers. Sigh.

@sween
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. WHOA. WHOA. Whoa. WHOA! WHOOOOOOOOOA! This horse is an idiot.