@OverlandParker
If my mouth could get pregnant, an entire box of fudge-pops would be taking paternity tests.

@Cheeseboy22
My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

@6SuperMcNasty9
Before I Die, I Want My Last Words To Be " I Burried The Million Dollars Under The..."

@jenstatsky
Takes a very specific type of confidence to drop off your hoodie at coat check.

@IamEnidColeslaw
you'll know you're a grown-up when you keep fifteen unnecessary pillows on your bed

@JimGaffigan
The moments I'm not eating are somewhat torturous.