@imchriskelly
"She lived a long, long life. And saw basically nothing." - eulogy for a cat

@BoogTweets
A woman in front of me is taking forever to decide on her coffee order. Might unleash the raw fury of my passive aggressive deep sigh but there are children watching

@HillbillyWV1965
My therapist says I should stop breaking into his house to tell him all my problems ... and also that he's not a therapist .

@kresps
"Is this the burn ward?" "Yes can I help you?" "You need to admit my mom, I told her that her casserole was ass-erole." "Stop calling here."

@mikeleffingwell
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.

@joshcomers
"Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?" (Dalai Lama job interview)