@awryone
No matter how many times I call the hospital to complain, they won't recall my baby.

@SteveSuckington
What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

@donni
I bet the guy who named it The Big Bang was super horny that day.

@peteec
Sometimes I draw a penis on my face before I go out so people know I'm there to fucking party.

@alexblagg
"Favorite" seems like a strong word. There should be a button that's more just "Hey, fun Tweet. This is fun. We're having fun."

@Sarcasmo718
Using my toes to pick something up makes it hard to go to church on Sunday.