@PROMO_TWEET
ARMY WIVES SUNDAYS AT 11 ON LIFETIME. IT'S NOT TV. IT'S NOT HBO. IT'S NOT FX. IT'S NOT EVEN WE. IT'S LIFETIME. WHAT, LIKE YOU'RE SO GREAT?

@matttuff
My printer just woke from sleep mode with a huge toner.

@bobbyhundreds
So if they were called the Mario Bros., that means Mario's last name was Mario?

@DCpierson
Want to depress yourself? Realize that someday Tom Hanks will die. Want to cheer yourself up? Remember that right now, Tom Hanks is alive.

@DamienFahey
A Facebook friend just used the same number of exclamation points to say he's eating guacamole as he did to announce the birth of his kid.

@pleatedjeans
[flirting w/girl at bar] And that's why [takes sip from elephant sippy cup] I always use a sippy cup [lid falls off and spills juice on me]