@OneLinersPlus
Nothing says "I'm an American" more than ordering a pizza online and tweeting about it and then hating soccer.

@OneLinersPlus
I put more effort into making it look like I'm doing my job than I do doing my actual job.

@OneLinersPlus
Whenever my grandma comes to visit and I hear a loud thud from upstairs, I go for a coffee and think about the cool stuff I just inherited.

@OneLinersPlus
I got 99 problems, and I wish a bitch was one, because then that means I interacted with a girl and can brag about it to my stuffed animals.

@OneLinersPlus
Some women have names that simply demand respect. The few. The proud. The Maureens.

@OneLinersPlus
If you believe in God, yet you can't believe it's not butter, then your faith needs to get its damn priorities straight.

@OneLinersPlus
Even if oil prices go down, I'm still going to siphon gas from my neighbor's car because I like the adrenaline rush and he's an asshole.

@OneLinersPlus
I'm like a reverse MacGyver. I can take a perfectly working item, step on it drunk, then turn it into dozens of unusable, meaningless parts.

@OneLinersPlus
I don't want to sound ignorant, but if I can't understand something, then it's stupid and I hate it.

@OneLinersPlus
I told this girl that I was an architect. It's true in a way, since I now have to design an intricate web of lies to back it up.