@Kristen_Arnett
couldn't remember the word for penguin so i called it a cold boy

@Kristen_Arnett
i need 30-40 dogs to lie down directly on my body like a gravity blanket

@Kristen_Arnett
great news i officially had so much coffee that i am vibrating at a pitch only dogs can hear

@Kristen_Arnett
it's the weekend and you know what that means! time to absolutely dread leaving the house for social obligations you already agreed to attend

@Kristen_Arnett
call me old fashioned but i believe marriage should be between one dog in a sweater and another dog in a matching sweater

@Kristen_Arnett
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes