@AndrewChamings
accidentally opened my eyes during prayer at church and saw jesus doing the worm

@AndrewChamings
A deafening silence falls as I arrive at my own beach wedding an hour late on a segway. I high 5 the priest and ride straight into the ocean

@AndrewChamings
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling "shrinking dog syndrome" while he's on your lap

@AndrewChamings
[commercial for boiling water] *me just cramming hard spaghetti in my mouth and crunching* narrator: there has to be a better way

@AndrewChamings
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.