@BDGarp
Just got back from the Dollar Store. I bought two cars and a trip to Paris for three bucks.
Just got back from the Dollar Store. I bought two cars and a trip to Paris for three bucks.
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@BDGarp
If I was moments away from my death I would ask someone for a 5-hour Energy drink.
If I was moments away from my death I would ask someone for a 5-hour Energy drink.
@BDGarp
My ex-girlfriend once said “It’s either me or Twitter.” I wonder how she’s doing.
My ex-girlfriend once said “It’s either me or Twitter.” I wonder how she’s doing.
@BDGarp
God: I made you in my own image. Adam: Your penis looks bigger.
God: I made you in my own image. Adam: Your penis looks bigger.
@BDGarp
If vaginas could only talk! Oh what a story men would still not listen to.
If vaginas could only talk! Oh what a story men would still not listen to.
@BDGarp
“You're on your own, kid.” - A Republican village.
“You're on your own, kid.” - A Republican village.
@BDGarp
I love comfort food. I'm going to eat a quilt.
I love comfort food. I'm going to eat a quilt.
@BDGarp
The "smoking gun" has a greater risk of dying early than guns that don't smoke.
The "smoking gun" has a greater risk of dying early than guns that don't smoke.
@BDGarp
I just saw a woman fall in the street so I asked if she wanted help or sex because I don’t know her or her hierarchy of needs.
I just saw a woman fall in the street so I asked if she wanted help or sex because I don’t know her or her hierarchy of needs.
@BDGarp
“Normal people” are the most fucked up people you will ever meet.
“Normal people” are the most fucked up people you will ever meet.
@BDGarp
Sometimes you just have to grab the bull by the balls before you realize “This can’t be right.”
Sometimes you just have to grab the bull by the balls before you realize “This can’t be right.”
@BDGarp
Some idiot just told an elevator joke ON an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.
Some idiot just told an elevator joke ON an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.
@BDGarp
It's better to have loved and lost than be eaten by a bear.
It's better to have loved and lost than be eaten by a bear.
@BDGarp
A dog and a cat walk into a bar. One starts licking its ass and the other says "Two can play that game!" They forget about drinks.
A dog and a cat walk into a bar. One starts licking its ass and the other says "Two can play that game!" They forget about drinks.
@BDGarp
Her: Are you even capable of love? Me: I'm pretty sure I love pancakes.
Her: Are you even capable of love? Me: I'm pretty sure I love pancakes.
@BDGarp
Potatoes are high in carbs. 'Baked' potatoes are just high.
Potatoes are high in carbs. 'Baked' potatoes are just high.
@BDGarp
"Just do it!" Why Nike reps don't man the suicide hotlines.
"Just do it!" Why Nike reps don't man the suicide hotlines.
@BDGarp
A double entendre is when I don't know what the hell you're saying. Twice.
A double entendre is when I don't know what the hell you're saying. Twice.
@BDGarp
A hot babe said we could have sex if monkeys fly out of her ass, so tonight I meet with a zoologist, proctologist and some guy from NASA.
A hot babe said we could have sex if monkeys fly out of her ass, so tonight I meet with a zoologist, proctologist and some guy from NASA.
@BDGarp
Okay, you got me, I'm not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Okay, you got me, I'm not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
@BDGarp
Hugh Hefner and Larry King used to room together when they helped build the pyramids.
Hugh Hefner and Larry King used to room together when they helped build the pyramids.
@BDGarp
Live each day as if everyone loves you because self-delusion is underrated as a coping mechanism.
Live each day as if everyone loves you because self-delusion is underrated as a coping mechanism.
@BDGarp
I think I might stop cussing and get all religious and shit
I think I might stop cussing and get all religious and shit
@BDGarp
I wonder if mutes ever sign "Now that's what I'm talking about!"
I wonder if mutes ever sign "Now that's what I'm talking about!"
@BDGarp
"Always a bridesmaid, never a bride, was briefly a groom once but that's a long story." Don't read your girlfriend's diary. Ever.
"Always a bridesmaid, never a bride, was briefly a groom once but that's a long story." Don't read your girlfriend's diary. Ever.
@BDGarp
I actually talked to real people this weekend. It was weird.
I actually talked to real people this weekend. It was weird.
@BDGarp
My ass is one of the great wonders of the world if you're wondering when it's getting off this couch.
My ass is one of the great wonders of the world if you're wondering when it's getting off this couch.
@BDGarp
You had me at "I bet I can get that whole thing in my mouth."
You had me at "I bet I can get that whole thing in my mouth."
@BDGarp
Last night I poured a hot bath, lit candles and turned on the radio. Then I threw them into the bath because I'm a guy and was curious.
Last night I poured a hot bath, lit candles and turned on the radio. Then I threw them into the bath because I'm a guy and was curious.
@BDGarp
I don't use the car horn much but I will frown harshly at bad drivers and I'm pretty sure it fucks up their day.
I don't use the car horn much but I will frown harshly at bad drivers and I'm pretty sure it fucks up their day.
@BDGarp
There really isn't a good way to tell your boss you hate him and want him eaten by hyenas.
There really isn't a good way to tell your boss you hate him and want him eaten by hyenas.
@BDGarp
"My balls have amazing cleavage in the right lighting" is a failed pickup line that has never worked.
"My balls have amazing cleavage in the right lighting" is a failed pickup line that has never worked.
@BDGarp
Let's make a deal. I'll get in touch with my feminine side if you get in touch with my balls.
Let's make a deal. I'll get in touch with my feminine side if you get in touch with my balls.
@BDGarp
If she farts in front of your parents repeatedly just for the reaction then she's a keeper.
If she farts in front of your parents repeatedly just for the reaction then she's a keeper.
@BDGarp
Him: Let's play "show me your binky." Me: Hey Father, this is a fucked up confession. Can't I just say a Hail Mary?
Him: Let's play "show me your binky." Me: Hey Father, this is a fucked up confession. Can't I just say a Hail Mary?
@BDGarp
My girlfriend asked if I wanted to fast today and I thought she said fist. As a result, she was not amused and she may be pressing charges.
My girlfriend asked if I wanted to fast today and I thought she said fist. As a result, she was not amused and she may be pressing charges.
@BDGarp
"Wow, you look like shit this morning." "Really? That's funny because I was totally going for the urination look."
"Wow, you look like shit this morning." "Really? That's funny because I was totally going for the urination look."
@BDGarp
Whip cream bikinis are cool but please don't wear chicken gravy again. That's just wrong.
Whip cream bikinis are cool but please don't wear chicken gravy again. That's just wrong.
@BDGarp
First rule of thumb: Thumbs shouldn't have rules. That just makes no fucking sense.
First rule of thumb: Thumbs shouldn't have rules. That just makes no fucking sense.
@BDGarp
Love means never having to say you’re Canadian.
Love means never having to say you’re Canadian.
@BDGarp
We were so much better at drinking and driving in the 80’s. You kids today really fucked it up.
We were so much better at drinking and driving in the 80’s. You kids today really fucked it up.