@KenJennings
fyi it turns out you CAN get kicked out of Jimmy John's for calling the sprouts "vegetable sperms" live and learn I guess

@KenJennings
I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.

@KenJennings
I'm glad the unbelievably loud teenagers on this flight are all white so I can hate them.

@KenJennings
If you ever want to be bummed all day, think about how Jordan's national carrier is called "Royal Jordanian Airways" instead of "Air Jordan"

@KenJennings
TRIVIA: The sinking of the Titanic in 1912 cost 1,502 lives. Adjusting for inflation, that would be over 8,500 people today!

@KenJennings
Have you heard the "good news" about Jesus? It's his daughter's quinceañera today so he can't do our lawn