@TheNardvark
I just saw a can of ginger ale that wasn’t on an airplane and it looked really uncomfortable.

@TheNardvark
“It’s over there by the Walgreens” - directions to anywhere

@TheNardvark
I want to hire a Chipotle employee to tuck me in at night.

@TheNardvark
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone someplace exciting this weekend?

@TheNardvark
“Sorry, I lost the name of that person you just met 5 mins ago. But check this out, I found the complete lyrics to Paul Revere!” - my brain

@TheNardvark
Uh oh, someone is heading this way and it looks like they want to talk to me *flops to the ground like a toy in Toy Story*