@bazecraze
I don't understand Fox and Friends. No one on the show is named Fox. Are they friends with a TV channel?
I don't understand Fox and Friends. No one on the show is named Fox. Are they friends with a TV channel?
Tweets by @bazecraze added on Fun Tweets.
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@bazecraze
I'm at the phase of Christmas where I'm looking at stuff in my house and going "I could just wrap that."
I'm at the phase of Christmas where I'm looking at stuff in my house and going "I could just wrap that."
@bazecraze
"Gunman" is too cool-sounding. Can we start calling them something that conveys weakness, like "pistoleer?"
"Gunman" is too cool-sounding. Can we start calling them something that conveys weakness, like "pistoleer?"
@bazecraze
When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.
When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.
@bazecraze
Weird how TV characters hardly watch any TV.
Weird how TV characters hardly watch any TV.
@bazecraze
I think that's enough coffee. I can hear my cells dividing.
I think that's enough coffee. I can hear my cells dividing.
@bazecraze
Adulthood: If I do the thing I like, I'll be too tired to do the thing I hate.
Adulthood: If I do the thing I like, I'll be too tired to do the thing I hate.
@bazecraze
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
@bazecraze
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
@bazecraze
If "kiss me" doesn't work, "I'm Irish" isn't gonna get you any closer.
If "kiss me" doesn't work, "I'm Irish" isn't gonna get you any closer.
@bazecraze
Not now, inspirational quotes on my cough drop wrapper.
Not now, inspirational quotes on my cough drop wrapper.
@bazecraze
Just saw the hood of my jacket out of the corner of my eye and jumped out of the way, in case the Navy SEALS are hiring.
Just saw the hood of my jacket out of the corner of my eye and jumped out of the way, in case the Navy SEALS are hiring.
@bazecraze
"Space heater" is a pretty ambitious name. How about "shin warmer?"
"Space heater" is a pretty ambitious name. How about "shin warmer?"
@bazecraze
How about ONE person takes a picture of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree and just emails it to everyone?
How about ONE person takes a picture of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree and just emails it to everyone?
@bazecraze
I just fucked up instant oatmeal like some kind of husband in a commercial.
I just fucked up instant oatmeal like some kind of husband in a commercial.
@bazecraze
Instagram makes me feel like the world's only employed person.
Instagram makes me feel like the world's only employed person.
@bazecraze
I just want a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel.
I just want a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel.
@bazecraze
If you play jazz backwards, you get slightly better jazz.
If you play jazz backwards, you get slightly better jazz.
@bazecraze
It takes me about 25 minutes to pack a suitcase, but I still always block out 4 hours for it.
It takes me about 25 minutes to pack a suitcase, but I still always block out 4 hours for it.
@bazecraze
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
@bazecraze
Snack mixes are great because I only want to enjoy 40 percent of what I eat.
Snack mixes are great because I only want to enjoy 40 percent of what I eat.
@bazecraze
A sunrise is probably the most beautiful way to find out you just made a series of bad decisions.
A sunrise is probably the most beautiful way to find out you just made a series of bad decisions.
@bazecraze
My whole life feels like when you're called up to the chalkboard to solve a math problem.
My whole life feels like when you're called up to the chalkboard to solve a math problem.
@bazecraze
Let me be the awkward pause in your small-town fireworks show.
Let me be the awkward pause in your small-town fireworks show.
@bazecraze
It's so humid today I keep expecting a southern lawyer to do his closing argument.
It's so humid today I keep expecting a southern lawyer to do his closing argument.
@bazecraze
Autocorrect is like the kid in class who got ONE right and now he won't stop raising his hand.
Autocorrect is like the kid in class who got ONE right and now he won't stop raising his hand.
@bazecraze
To do: 1. Read one book. 2. Ask someone if they've read that book. 3. Act incredulous when they say no.
To do: 1. Read one book. 2. Ask someone if they've read that book. 3. Act incredulous when they say no.
@bazecraze
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our shittiest table.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our shittiest table.
@bazecraze
If they could, cats would correct your grammar.
If they could, cats would correct your grammar.
@bazecraze
YOU make some noise. You're the one with the band and the microphone.
YOU make some noise. You're the one with the band and the microphone.
@bazecraze
Tan or get your teeth whitened. But only one of those.
Tan or get your teeth whitened. But only one of those.
@bazecraze
The name is Bond. James Bond. James Melvin "Crazy Legs" Bond.
The name is Bond. James Bond. James Melvin "Crazy Legs" Bond.
@bazecraze
The fact that you can feel sad, then listen to a song and feel better proves that feelings are stupid.
The fact that you can feel sad, then listen to a song and feel better proves that feelings are stupid.
@bazecraze
The Statue of Liberty's torch sure is good at surviving apocalypses.
The Statue of Liberty's torch sure is good at surviving apocalypses.
@bazecraze
If vampires can't see themselves in mirrors, how do they trim those perfect goatees?
If vampires can't see themselves in mirrors, how do they trim those perfect goatees?
@bazecraze
Hey Jesus, way to rise again on a day we already have off.
Hey Jesus, way to rise again on a day we already have off.
@bazecraze
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
@bazecraze
The worst restaurant in the world is "wherever you wanna go is fine with me."
The worst restaurant in the world is "wherever you wanna go is fine with me."
@bazecraze
Time to get a haircut. Unless somebody knows an easier way to get a dude's dick on your arm.
Time to get a haircut. Unless somebody knows an easier way to get a dude's dick on your arm.
@bazecraze
"Let's get readyyyyy to punch a little but mostly hug!" -honest boxing announcer
"Let's get readyyyyy to punch a little but mostly hug!" -honest boxing announcer
@bazecraze
I wanna live to be so old that my first thought every day when I wake up is "shit, still here".
I wanna live to be so old that my first thought every day when I wake up is "shit, still here".
@bazecraze
Quentin Tarantino always looks like he walked through a car wash.
Quentin Tarantino always looks like he walked through a car wash.
@bazecraze
I heard Daniel Day-Lewis won a bunch of Oscars to prepare for this. #Oscars
I heard Daniel Day-Lewis won a bunch of Oscars to prepare for this. #Oscars
@bazecraze
Your first follower has given you away, parody account.
Your first follower has given you away, parody account.
@bazecraze
"I'm just doing this for now." -strippers, waiters and the pope.
"I'm just doing this for now." -strippers, waiters and the pope.
@bazecraze
I put my pants on like everybody else. Grudgingly.
I put my pants on like everybody else. Grudgingly.
@bazecraze
Atlantis sank to the bottom of the sea because some idiot started calling it "Hotlantis".
Atlantis sank to the bottom of the sea because some idiot started calling it "Hotlantis".
@bazecraze
The movie industry has been irresponsible in the way it has glamorized getting splashed by a passing car.
The movie industry has been irresponsible in the way it has glamorized getting splashed by a passing car.
@bazecraze
I hope you're using all the time you save by saying "totes" instead of a "totally" to learn a trade.
I hope you're using all the time you save by saying "totes" instead of a "totally" to learn a trade.
@bazecraze
If you're thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
If you're thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
@bazecraze
The only way I'll leave my phone in a cab is if I leave my arm in a cab.
The only way I'll leave my phone in a cab is if I leave my arm in a cab.
@bazecraze
I like how we say "vegan" now instead of "eating disorder".
I like how we say "vegan" now instead of "eating disorder".
@bazecraze
How's my life? Let's just say I'm starting a lot of sentences with "let's just say".
How's my life? Let's just say I'm starting a lot of sentences with "let's just say".
@bazecraze
My mother would give you 11 dollars for a dog turd if you told her it normally costs 15.
My mother would give you 11 dollars for a dog turd if you told her it normally costs 15.
@bazecraze
"Long story short" makes your story three words longer.
"Long story short" makes your story three words longer.
@bazecraze
I like to think my father is looking down from heaven and smiling, but he's actually at an Indian casino with his new wife.
I like to think my father is looking down from heaven and smiling, but he's actually at an Indian casino with his new wife.
@bazecraze
Oh Tuesday. You are the Director's Cut of Monday.
Oh Tuesday. You are the Director's Cut of Monday.
@bazecraze
This coffee is so strong it just raised 5 children on a nurse's salary.
This coffee is so strong it just raised 5 children on a nurse's salary.
@bazecraze
The buildup of carbon emissions in the atmosphere is a great icebreaker.
The buildup of carbon emissions in the atmosphere is a great icebreaker.
@bazecraze
Bradley Cooper looks like a guy who's playing a "famous actor" in a made-for-TV movie.
Bradley Cooper looks like a guy who's playing a "famous actor" in a made-for-TV movie.
@bazecraze
"Paula Broadwell" sounds like if your dad tried to make up a Bond girl name on the spot.
"Paula Broadwell" sounds like if your dad tried to make up a Bond girl name on the spot.
@bazecraze
Oh my god, hotels. Relax. My stay was fine.
Oh my god, hotels. Relax. My stay was fine.
@bazecraze
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don't know how to help him.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don't know how to help him.
@bazecraze
I'm not sure America is ready for a rich, white, homophobic president with a moderately shady business background.
I'm not sure America is ready for a rich, white, homophobic president with a moderately shady business background.
@bazecraze
All night, Obama sounded like he was trying to get off the phone with somebody.
All night, Obama sounded like he was trying to get off the phone with somebody.
@bazecraze
Excited that Apple is basically handing me a bill for 600 dollars today!
Excited that Apple is basically handing me a bill for 600 dollars today!
@bazecraze
I'll believe self-help books work when I see a bunch of them on a sane person's bookshelf.
I'll believe self-help books work when I see a bunch of them on a sane person's bookshelf.
@bazecraze
Fall is fast approaching. Time to sew all my jean legs back on.
Fall is fast approaching. Time to sew all my jean legs back on.
@bazecraze
Thanks for the heart attack, Chinese menu under the door while I'm watching a scary movie.
Thanks for the heart attack, Chinese menu under the door while I'm watching a scary movie.
@bazecraze
If Paul Ryan popped up in the first ten minutes of a Law and Order episode, you'd be all "oh, he's the killer".
If Paul Ryan popped up in the first ten minutes of a Law and Order episode, you'd be all "oh, he's the killer".
@bazecraze
Mitt Romney has done a great job of making his religion the least ridiculous thing about him.
Mitt Romney has done a great job of making his religion the least ridiculous thing about him.
@bazecraze
I'm fully expecting a fake country to come in with Sacha Baron-Cohen carrying the flag. #OpeningCeremony
I'm fully expecting a fake country to come in with Sacha Baron-Cohen carrying the flag. #OpeningCeremony
@bazecraze
Hey, if your country's name has "and" in it, split that shit up. #OpeningCeremony
Hey, if your country's name has "and" in it, split that shit up. #OpeningCeremony
@bazecraze
Huge bowls of cereal are the parentheses to my night's sleep.
Huge bowls of cereal are the parentheses to my night's sleep.
@bazecraze
"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
@bazecraze
Watching soccer gives me the same feeling as watching a drunk guy try to get his key in the door.
Watching soccer gives me the same feeling as watching a drunk guy try to get his key in the door.
@bazecraze
Small town waitresses have either been there for 26 years or it's their first day.
Small town waitresses have either been there for 26 years or it's their first day.
@bazecraze
Why is the government forcing me to buy something I don't need?? -sent from my iPhone
Why is the government forcing me to buy something I don't need?? -sent from my iPhone
@bazecraze
Me: "My elbow hurts." WebMD: "Elbow cancer."
Me: "My elbow hurts." WebMD: "Elbow cancer."
@bazecraze
Whenever I see a middle-aged guy trying desperately to hang onto his youth, I always think "I should move this mirror".
Whenever I see a middle-aged guy trying desperately to hang onto his youth, I always think "I should move this mirror".
@bazecraze
"Dr. Oz" sounds like the guy you'd buy shrooms from in community college.
"Dr. Oz" sounds like the guy you'd buy shrooms from in community college.
@bazecraze
"My name is Mitt Romney, and I've been told that I would like to be your president."
"My name is Mitt Romney, and I've been told that I would like to be your president."
@bazecraze
Aw, this paint is already dry. Guess I'll watch baseball.
Aw, this paint is already dry. Guess I'll watch baseball.
@bazecraze
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
@bazecraze
Hell hath no fury like a woman slightly inconvenienced.
Hell hath no fury like a woman slightly inconvenienced.
@bazecraze
Time Magazine lists the 140 best Twitter feeds. Maybe later my fax machine will list the best smartphones.
Time Magazine lists the 140 best Twitter feeds. Maybe later my fax machine will list the best smartphones.
@bazecraze
The sushi at my local deli is to die of.
The sushi at my local deli is to die of.
@bazecraze
That which does not kill me has been everything so far.
That which does not kill me has been everything so far.
@bazecraze
Success is having no idea where the nearest Coinstar machine is.
Success is having no idea where the nearest Coinstar machine is.
@bazecraze
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
@bazecraze
I was flipping through the Victoria's Secret catalogue and now I have a craving for ribs.
I was flipping through the Victoria's Secret catalogue and now I have a craving for ribs.
@bazecraze
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there's no more soda?
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there's no more soda?
@bazecraze
No matter how long I wait to pretend I just noticed the other person walking toward me in a long corridor, I always nod too soon.
No matter how long I wait to pretend I just noticed the other person walking toward me in a long corridor, I always nod too soon.
@bazecraze
College cheerleaders look like no one has told them about human mortality yet.
College cheerleaders look like no one has told them about human mortality yet.
@bazecraze
If there's one thing everybody can agree on, no there isn't.
If there's one thing everybody can agree on, no there isn't.
@bazecraze
I just want to meet a nice girl who hates the same stuff as me.
I just want to meet a nice girl who hates the same stuff as me.
@bazecraze
I have accepted "Jesus Christ!" as my personal exclamation.
I have accepted "Jesus Christ!" as my personal exclamation.
@bazecraze
If it helps, a lot of the awful ones are either married or gay, too.
If it helps, a lot of the awful ones are either married or gay, too.
@bazecraze
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn't cute.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn't cute.
@bazecraze
Say "No, TWO drugs."
Say "No, TWO drugs."
@bazecraze
Overheard: "Hey, I think that weirdo is listening to our conversation."
Overheard: "Hey, I think that weirdo is listening to our conversation."
@bazecraze
I see. You're the "don't pigeonhole me" type. Got it.
I see. You're the "don't pigeonhole me" type. Got it.
@bazecraze
Weird. I don't remember being *this* bad at Jenga.
Weird. I don't remember being *this* bad at Jenga.
@bazecraze
I hope when you get to heaven, they give you a photo album with all the pictures you're in the background of.
I hope when you get to heaven, they give you a photo album with all the pictures you're in the background of.
@bazecraze
Have a burning hatred for questions and people? YOU could be a medical receptionist!
Have a burning hatred for questions and people? YOU could be a medical receptionist!
@bazecraze
Guys with huge dongs are just compensating for their tiny cars.
Guys with huge dongs are just compensating for their tiny cars.
@bazecraze
TV before 6pm: "Men are idiots." TV after 6pm: "Women are idiots" TV after midnight: "Abs are easy to get!"
TV before 6pm: "Men are idiots." TV after 6pm: "Women are idiots" TV after midnight: "Abs are easy to get!"
@bazecraze
Celebrate your independence, America! If it's cool with China.
Celebrate your independence, America! If it's cool with China.
@bazecraze
Just ran into a grammar fanatic out with whom I once made.
Just ran into a grammar fanatic out with whom I once made.
@bazecraze
Are they "haters" or just "people who noticed that you're a dick"? Check again.
Are they "haters" or just "people who noticed that you're a dick"? Check again.
@bazecraze
Weinergate coverage is reminding me of elementary school when we first found out there was a Lake Titicaca.
Weinergate coverage is reminding me of elementary school when we first found out there was a Lake Titicaca.
@bazecraze
If you like drunk girls in really high heels, you may also be attracted to newborn ponies.
If you like drunk girls in really high heels, you may also be attracted to newborn ponies.
@bazecraze
Toddlers run just like a 70s stuntman engulfed in flames.
Toddlers run just like a 70s stuntman engulfed in flames.
@bazecraze
I make a mean cup of coffee. This one just told me I'll never find love.
I make a mean cup of coffee. This one just told me I'll never find love.
@bazecraze
Accidentally watched a few minutes of The Bachelor and now I can't remember a single state capitol.
Accidentally watched a few minutes of The Bachelor and now I can't remember a single state capitol.