@capricecrane
Way to bring me down, security questions. Dad's birthday? First pet? What's next? Gonna ask about Marco Black rejecting me in 2nd grade?

@capricecrane
If you yawn when you're alone it's because there's a ghost in the room and he yawned first.

@capricecrane
Please don't post a screenshot if your battery percentage is low, I can't focus on the picture because your low battery is stressing me out.

@capricecrane
Taco Bell is serving breakfast now. Because why wait until afternoon when you can get diarrhea first thing in the morning!™

@capricecrane
Don't feel bad if you don't have a Valentine, it probably just means you're completely unlovable. Happy Valentine's Day!

@capricecrane
Woman sends emotional text that's 5 paragraphs long. Man responds with "k." Woman spontaneously combusts.