@donni
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Tweets by @donni added on Fun Tweets.
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@donni
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
@donni
Tomorrow is another day. That's my main problem with it
Tomorrow is another day. That's my main problem with it
@donni
Get rich or die of poverty-related causes
Get rich or die of poverty-related causes
@donni
One out of five dentists has the courage to speak their own mind
One out of five dentists has the courage to speak their own mind
@donni
Dropped some rice in water so I put it in a bag of cellphones to dry out
Dropped some rice in water so I put it in a bag of cellphones to dry out
@donni
*getting murdered* Oh, wow, this is totally clearing my sinuses
*getting murdered* Oh, wow, this is totally clearing my sinuses
@donni
Fighting a war on drugs beats fighting a war sober
Fighting a war on drugs beats fighting a war sober
@donni
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
@donni
I think my TV is broken because these commercials make being human look like a gorgeous adventure but I'm just tired and sad. Yes I can hold
I think my TV is broken because these commercials make being human look like a gorgeous adventure but I'm just tired and sad. Yes I can hold
@donni
My own personal hell sounds great, actually
My own personal hell sounds great, actually
@donni
Been throwing up gang signs all morning. Must've eaten some expired gang signs
Been throwing up gang signs all morning. Must've eaten some expired gang signs
@donni
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
@donni
Opinions are like butts *gently rubs your opinion*
Opinions are like butts *gently rubs your opinion*
@donni
Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
@donni
Act now to enjoy a false sense of urgency!
Act now to enjoy a false sense of urgency!
@donni
Business idea: Own a profitable business
Business idea: Own a profitable business
@donni
Ask your doctor if practicing medicine is right for him
Ask your doctor if practicing medicine is right for him
@donni
Haven't been sleeping well, which is ridiculous cuz I have decades of experience
Haven't been sleeping well, which is ridiculous cuz I have decades of experience
@donni
Ladies, call me Adobe Updater, because I nag you at least once a week and never seem to work
Ladies, call me Adobe Updater, because I nag you at least once a week and never seem to work
@donni
Is it just me, or are there other people?
Is it just me, or are there other people?
@donni
I trust J.D. Power, but not his shifty "Associates"
I trust J.D. Power, but not his shifty "Associates"
@donni
"I'm still at the airport, actually." -A woman next to me on the train just now
"I'm still at the airport, actually." -A woman next to me on the train just now
@donni
The 7 Drug Habits Of High, Ineffective People
The 7 Drug Habits Of High, Ineffective People
@donni
Sobering fact: Humans share over 99% of our DNA with clowns
Sobering fact: Humans share over 99% of our DNA with clowns
@donni
The pickle is like your sandwich's pet
The pickle is like your sandwich's pet
@donni
"Inkblot." "Inkblot." "Inkblot." "Inkblot." "Inkblot." -Rorschach taking a Rorschach test
"Inkblot." "Inkblot." "Inkblot." "Inkblot." "Inkblot." -Rorschach taking a Rorschach test
@donni
Worried sick about America's billionaires, you guys
Worried sick about America's billionaires, you guys
@donni
"Come together, right now, over me." -Beatles lyrics or gangbang dialogue
"Come together, right now, over me." -Beatles lyrics or gangbang dialogue
@donni
The name's Bong. Jay Bong. Agent 420. Weed.
The name's Bong. Jay Bong. Agent 420. Weed.
@donni
A real "nonstop flight" would be terrifying.
A real "nonstop flight" would be terrifying.
@donni
Angry mimes give each other the talking treatment.
Angry mimes give each other the talking treatment.
@donni
“When in doubt, puke up some clear, sticky fluid.” -Cats
“When in doubt, puke up some clear, sticky fluid.” -Cats
@donni
I try to be a good sport, but sometimes I'm badminton.
I try to be a good sport, but sometimes I'm badminton.
@donni
Even better than breakfast cereal: Lunch cereal and dinner cereal.
Even better than breakfast cereal: Lunch cereal and dinner cereal.
@donni
If "Pizza?" is the question, "Pizza!" is the answer.
If "Pizza?" is the question, "Pizza!" is the answer.
@donni
America is that sexy classmate everyone had a crush on in high school, not aging that well but you'd still hit it.
America is that sexy classmate everyone had a crush on in high school, not aging that well but you'd still hit it.
@donni
I bet cats think people wish they were cats.
I bet cats think people wish they were cats.
@donni
Obviously, Mario Kart is not a documentary. It's a dramatization of real events.
Obviously, Mario Kart is not a documentary. It's a dramatization of real events.
@donni
Guys, I just found a BUNCH of Mohicans!
Guys, I just found a BUNCH of Mohicans!
@donni
Submarines are just hipster boats.
Submarines are just hipster boats.
@donni
There's no law against parrots calling you at work just to chat.
There's no law against parrots calling you at work just to chat.
@donni
Cereal, you need milk more than milk needs you. Just being real.
Cereal, you need milk more than milk needs you. Just being real.
@donni
Giving a bear my power of attorney.
Giving a bear my power of attorney.
@donni
Looks like balls = Scrotesque.
Looks like balls = Scrotesque.
@donni
Every day is the first day of the rest of your life. So I live like a newborn, sleepy and confused.
Every day is the first day of the rest of your life. So I live like a newborn, sleepy and confused.
@donni
So sick of all the time travel jokes next week.
So sick of all the time travel jokes next week.
@donni
these raccoons are a bad influence on me
these raccoons are a bad influence on me
@donni
Helping a gang of squirrels buy remote control cars against my better judgment.
Helping a gang of squirrels buy remote control cars against my better judgment.
@donni
Mitches ain't shit but guys named Mitchell.
Mitches ain't shit but guys named Mitchell.
@donni
"There's no business like crow business." -Wealthy businesscrow
"There's no business like crow business." -Wealthy businesscrow
@donni
Under the sea, under the sea...wouldn't the water pressure crush mermaids, realistically?
Under the sea, under the sea...wouldn't the water pressure crush mermaids, realistically?
@donni
Technically, a bus driver is anyone who drives a bus, Officer.
Technically, a bus driver is anyone who drives a bus, Officer.
@donni
Fries are basically edible cigarettes. Delicious edible cigarettes.
Fries are basically edible cigarettes. Delicious edible cigarettes.
@donni
HOT local grizzly bears dying to eat YOU!
HOT local grizzly bears dying to eat YOU!
@donni
Mention me in your will. Just give me a shout out or something.
Mention me in your will. Just give me a shout out or something.
@donni
"I'll sleep when I'm bread." -Dough
"I'll sleep when I'm bread." -Dough
@donni
I need a new waffle iron. These waffles are still wrinkled.
I need a new waffle iron. These waffles are still wrinkled.
@donni
You can't teach an old dog new tricks. You can't teach a cat anything, ever.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks. You can't teach a cat anything, ever.
@donni
If you buy orange juice with "Some Pulp," it's time to pick a side.
If you buy orange juice with "Some Pulp," it's time to pick a side.
@donni
Just found out my wife is a dolphin in a wig.
Just found out my wife is a dolphin in a wig.
@donni
How many of you are household pets reading tweets while your owners nap?
How many of you are household pets reading tweets while your owners nap?
@donni
My two year old nephew, though adorable, is a pretty violent drunk.
My two year old nephew, though adorable, is a pretty violent drunk.
@donni
How To Tell If Your Girlfriend Is Secretly A Minivan
How To Tell If Your Girlfriend Is Secretly A Minivan
@donni
Father's Day was invented by the father industry as an excuse to sell more fathers.
Father's Day was invented by the father industry as an excuse to sell more fathers.
@donni
So wrong, it must be right. So right, it must be left. WTF? These directions are terrible.
So wrong, it must be right. So right, it must be left. WTF? These directions are terrible.
@donni
I get my best showering ideas when I'm writing jokes.
I get my best showering ideas when I'm writing jokes.
@donni
Can't sleep. Just miss Circuit City a lot right now.
Can't sleep. Just miss Circuit City a lot right now.
@donni
Captain Morgan and Cap'n Crunch awkwardly chat at their naval college class reunion.
Captain Morgan and Cap'n Crunch awkwardly chat at their naval college class reunion.
@donni
I wish babies could have babies. Adorable minibabies.
I wish babies could have babies. Adorable minibabies.
@donni
Just hired a cat sitter to sit on my cat.
Just hired a cat sitter to sit on my cat.
@donni
Hired a violent monkey to beat up my enemies. I call him Injurious George.
Hired a violent monkey to beat up my enemies. I call him Injurious George.
@donni
Do we really need cheese AND other kinds of food? Seems greedy.
Do we really need cheese AND other kinds of food? Seems greedy.
@donni
Next time someone wants you to hold a baby, say "I'm so bad with live babies!"
Next time someone wants you to hold a baby, say "I'm so bad with live babies!"
@donni
Pants should have to wear pants so they understand why it sucks to wear pants.
Pants should have to wear pants so they understand why it sucks to wear pants.
@donni
"Let's call it a day." -Guy who invented that word
"Let's call it a day." -Guy who invented that word
@donni
I didn't go through four years of grad school for this! (I didn't go to grad school.)
I didn't go through four years of grad school for this! (I didn't go to grad school.)
@donni
It's a shame that most things aren't pies. More things should be pies.
It's a shame that most things aren't pies. More things should be pies.
@donni
The Beatles were so full of shit. They only used that yellow submarine residence for tax purposes.
The Beatles were so full of shit. They only used that yellow submarine residence for tax purposes.
@donni
If I must die someday, I hope it's in a burrito avalanche.
If I must die someday, I hope it's in a burrito avalanche.
@donni
Dinosaur grandparents probably made racist remarks about mammals as their grandkids listened in horror.
Dinosaur grandparents probably made racist remarks about mammals as their grandkids listened in horror.
@donni
Nobody wants to talk about the elephant in the waiting room, but he has an appointment.
Nobody wants to talk about the elephant in the waiting room, but he has an appointment.
@donni
They say eye contact in job interviews is important, but try sticking a finger in the interviewer's eye and they always get mad.
They say eye contact in job interviews is important, but try sticking a finger in the interviewer's eye and they always get mad.
@donni
Members of my family suffer from a medical condition called "death," but it only strikes late in life.
Members of my family suffer from a medical condition called "death," but it only strikes late in life.
@donni
Took a whole week for my neighbor who only watches the Discovery Channel to realize thieves had replaced his TV with an aquarium.
Took a whole week for my neighbor who only watches the Discovery Channel to realize thieves had replaced his TV with an aquarium.
@donni
If anyone's interested, I teach a little Web Browsing 101 course every time I talk to my mom ever.
If anyone's interested, I teach a little Web Browsing 101 course every time I talk to my mom ever.
@donni
Rocks think evolution is bullshit.
Rocks think evolution is bullshit.
@donni
Time machine jokes aren't funny, you guys. My great grandson dies in a time machine crash.
Time machine jokes aren't funny, you guys. My great grandson dies in a time machine crash.
@donni
Some call it drug abuse. I say the drugs get what they deserve.
Some call it drug abuse. I say the drugs get what they deserve.
@donni
I hate feeling bad about feeling good about feeling bad.
I hate feeling bad about feeling good about feeling bad.
@donni
Scientology: The study of scientol.
Scientology: The study of scientol.
@donni
Still in love with various hypothetical women.
Still in love with various hypothetical women.
@donni
You can find me in the club, eatin' Cap'n Crunch I'm into having snacks, I ain't into making lunch
You can find me in the club, eatin' Cap'n Crunch I'm into having snacks, I ain't into making lunch
@donni
Wet wipes are tissues who like to party.
Wet wipes are tissues who like to party.
@donni
Walked in on the big pillow in bed with my favorite blanket. Feel so betrayed.
Walked in on the big pillow in bed with my favorite blanket. Feel so betrayed.
@donni
We have bike lanes and carpool lanes. I demand a waterslide lane on every major road.
We have bike lanes and carpool lanes. I demand a waterslide lane on every major road.
@donni
The Hamburglar burgled HAM. If he stole burgers, he'd be called the Hamburgerburglar.
The Hamburglar burgled HAM. If he stole burgers, he'd be called the Hamburgerburglar.
@donni
"God is dead." -Nietzsche "God is Dad!" -Jesus "God IS, dude..." -Stoners
"God is dead." -Nietzsche "God is Dad!" -Jesus "God IS, dude..." -Stoners
@donni
Oh, topical reference. You sure are about something.
Oh, topical reference. You sure are about something.
@donni
It's not the cat wearing my pants without permission that pisses me off. It's that he looks better in them than I do.
It's not the cat wearing my pants without permission that pisses me off. It's that he looks better in them than I do.
@donni
You say cannibal, I say people person.
You say cannibal, I say people person.
@donni
"I'll sleep when I'm Ned!" -Exhausted pre-op who plans to go by Ned after the surgery
"I'll sleep when I'm Ned!" -Exhausted pre-op who plans to go by Ned after the surgery
@donni
I bet the guy who named it The Big Bang was super horny that day.
I bet the guy who named it The Big Bang was super horny that day.
@donni
What's the right age to tell an adopted child it's a highway?
What's the right age to tell an adopted child it's a highway?
@donni
I flunked out of clown college due to taking it too seriously.
I flunked out of clown college due to taking it too seriously.
@donni
I wish I had firearms. Or maybe one firearm and one regular arm.
I wish I had firearms. Or maybe one firearm and one regular arm.
@donni
Sad to think this is the tallest I'll ever be, barring some kind of awesome mutation.
Sad to think this is the tallest I'll ever be, barring some kind of awesome mutation.
@donni
I have had it up to HERE with visual metaphors in non-visual formats!
I have had it up to HERE with visual metaphors in non-visual formats!
@donni
Smoke alarms are really just toast alarms.
Smoke alarms are really just toast alarms.
@donni
Hey, Trivial Pursuit, way to pick a name that says "This game is pointless."
Hey, Trivial Pursuit, way to pick a name that says "This game is pointless."
@donni
What is the holdup on square fruit, scientists?
What is the holdup on square fruit, scientists?
@donni
Whether my dreams are good or bad, waking up is always worse.
Whether my dreams are good or bad, waking up is always worse.
@donni
Seriously, this is the last time I trust a baby with firearms.
Seriously, this is the last time I trust a baby with firearms.
@donni
You think you can take me, tough guy? I'd like to see you try. Seriously, anywhere fun you might be going. Take me with.
You think you can take me, tough guy? I'd like to see you try. Seriously, anywhere fun you might be going. Take me with.
@donni
"This is not a drill!" -Lying electric drill that refers to itself in the third person
"This is not a drill!" -Lying electric drill that refers to itself in the third person
@donni
"I like the way you move!" -Jealous inanimate object
"I like the way you move!" -Jealous inanimate object
@donni
Relax, guys. The Wikipedia entry for "gullible" is working fine.
Relax, guys. The Wikipedia entry for "gullible" is working fine.
@donni
"Luther King is a very common name on Mars!" -Martian Luther King, Jr.
"Luther King is a very common name on Mars!" -Martian Luther King, Jr.
@donni
Time was invented by the clock industry.
Time was invented by the clock industry.
@donni
Some think the economy is slowly recovering. Others think it's on the verge of collapse. I think about boobs mostly.
Some think the economy is slowly recovering. Others think it's on the verge of collapse. I think about boobs mostly.
@donni
Being human is OK, but I wish there were alternatives.
Being human is OK, but I wish there were alternatives.
@donni
"Naps ain't shit!" -Comas
"Naps ain't shit!" -Comas
@donni
Fruit By The Foot, but no Meat By The Meter? I call bullshit.
Fruit By The Foot, but no Meat By The Meter? I call bullshit.
@donni
Toast is just bread that likes to party.
Toast is just bread that likes to party.
@donni
Poison control sounds pretty easy. Most poisons can't even move.
Poison control sounds pretty easy. Most poisons can't even move.
@donni
If I had a talking shark for a sidekick, I'd probably get into more deep sea shenanigans.
If I had a talking shark for a sidekick, I'd probably get into more deep sea shenanigans.
@donni
Never go car shopping when you're hungry for cars.
Never go car shopping when you're hungry for cars.
@donni
Some guys think sweaters are sexy, but I don't like girls who sweat more than the usual amount.
Some guys think sweaters are sexy, but I don't like girls who sweat more than the usual amount.
@donni
Hard to say which dinosaur was the sexiest.
Hard to say which dinosaur was the sexiest.
@donni
CD worms made tapeworms obsolete.
CD worms made tapeworms obsolete.
@donni
Strange that the Bible has no bibliography.
Strange that the Bible has no bibliography.
@donni
Got a secondhand robot. Practically good as new! Just a few nicks and scratches, and a tendency to murder.
Got a secondhand robot. Practically good as new! Just a few nicks and scratches, and a tendency to murder.
@donni
Don't try this at home. If homeless, go for it!
Don't try this at home. If homeless, go for it!
@donni
Why "hooters"? Who decided breasts looked like owls? They were wrong.
Why "hooters"? Who decided breasts looked like owls? They were wrong.
@donni
Doing shots with a bunch of coked-up velociraptors.
Doing shots with a bunch of coked-up velociraptors.
@donni
Let's spend the rest of our next 5 to 7 years together.
Let's spend the rest of our next 5 to 7 years together.
@donni
I'd rather have leg hands than arm feet.
I'd rather have leg hands than arm feet.
@donni
"When it rains, it pours." -Shitty weatherman
"When it rains, it pours." -Shitty weatherman
@donni
I'm the guy who asks for extra ketchup, notices he didn't get the extra ketchup, and says nothing further.
I'm the guy who asks for extra ketchup, notices he didn't get the extra ketchup, and says nothing further.
@donni
"Upscale" sounds like a euphemism for "fat."
"Upscale" sounds like a euphemism for "fat."
@donni
"It's so funny running into you like this." -Guy who just crashed his car into yours in a hilarious way
"It's so funny running into you like this." -Guy who just crashed his car into yours in a hilarious way
@donni
Still not sure if construction paper is used in construction.
Still not sure if construction paper is used in construction.
@donni
String theory? It's more than just a theory, dude. String is real.
String theory? It's more than just a theory, dude. String is real.
@donni
In a year of awful jobs reports, this one's the worst.
In a year of awful jobs reports, this one's the worst.
@donni
The #1 rule of being a successful shirt: Always Be Clothing.
The #1 rule of being a successful shirt: Always Be Clothing.
@donni
Just found out my bank won't cash these so-called "rain checks." This is bullshit.
Just found out my bank won't cash these so-called "rain checks." This is bullshit.
@donni
FREEBIRD! (When you purchase a bird of equal or lesser value.)
FREEBIRD! (When you purchase a bird of equal or lesser value.)
@donni
"Did you bring your LIST?" -Everyone who sees Craig at the supermarket, probably
"Did you bring your LIST?" -Everyone who sees Craig at the supermarket, probably
@donni
My default emotion is irrational rage.
My default emotion is irrational rage.
@donni
Still waiting for mine to mature into adultneys.
Still waiting for mine to mature into adultneys.
@donni
I have a fifth sense when it comes to smells.
I have a fifth sense when it comes to smells.
@donni
I have a love/hate relationship with going to extremes.
I have a love/hate relationship with going to extremes.
@donni
Wake up, kids! Bees can't even read, much less spell. IT'S A SCAM!
Wake up, kids! Bees can't even read, much less spell. IT'S A SCAM!
@donni
Took a nap. Think the nap store manager saw me take it. Freaking out.
Took a nap. Think the nap store manager saw me take it. Freaking out.
@donni
We live in a time of delicious cakes.
We live in a time of delicious cakes.
@donni
Hey, college students: It gets debtor.
Hey, college students: It gets debtor.
@donni
Male ladybugs prefer to be called "bugs."
Male ladybugs prefer to be called "bugs."
@donni
The best part of September is fucking with Green Day during their hibernation.
The best part of September is fucking with Green Day during their hibernation.
@donni
If you call Starbucks "Starbs," I hope you get totes murds.
If you call Starbucks "Starbs," I hope you get totes murds.
@donni
Codpieces aren't supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Codpieces aren't supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
@donni
Of course, Ludacris isn't his real name. It's Louis D'Cristofferson.
Of course, Ludacris isn't his real name. It's Louis D'Cristofferson.
@donni
Babies are terrible at running their own small businesses.
Babies are terrible at running their own small businesses.
@donni
I'm taking a stand. If the stand owners come looking for it, you guys saw nothing.
I'm taking a stand. If the stand owners come looking for it, you guys saw nothing.
@donni
There's no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
There's no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
@donni
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.
@donni
Caterpillars: Neither cats NOR pillars.
Caterpillars: Neither cats NOR pillars.
@donni
To a murderer, we're all jailbait.
To a murderer, we're all jailbait.
@donni
Just found out bears don't hug to be friendly, but because they want to eat you :(
Just found out bears don't hug to be friendly, but because they want to eat you :(
@donni
If not at Bed Bath & Beyond, WHERE CAN I BUY A BED BATH?
If not at Bed Bath & Beyond, WHERE CAN I BUY A BED BATH?
@donni
My stepladder is so great, I'm almost glad my ladders got divorced.
My stepladder is so great, I'm almost glad my ladders got divorced.
@donni
"This is all your fault!" -Billionaire showing son his deed for all the land along the San Andreas Fault
"This is all your fault!" -Billionaire showing son his deed for all the land along the San Andreas Fault
@donni
"Let's get down to business!" -Guy who enjoys dancing to the background noises of a local business
"Let's get down to business!" -Guy who enjoys dancing to the background noises of a local business
@donni
Once killed a man with my SuperSoaker. (I'd been pumping it for a REALLY long time.)
Once killed a man with my SuperSoaker. (I'd been pumping it for a REALLY long time.)
@donni
Sometimes I bring maracas to a meeting just to shake things up.
Sometimes I bring maracas to a meeting just to shake things up.
@donni
"These boobs are made for walking!" -Inventor of FootBoobs.
"These boobs are made for walking!" -Inventor of FootBoobs.
@donni
My business card is just a moist slice of cantaloupe.
My business card is just a moist slice of cantaloupe.
@donni
I suspect the number 200 sometimes impersonates the word ZOO.
I suspect the number 200 sometimes impersonates the word ZOO.
@donni
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
@donni
Just got a houseplant. Can't wait til it grows a house.
Just got a houseplant. Can't wait til it grows a house.
@donni
"Piece of cake" should not mean "Easy!" It should mean "Delicious!"
"Piece of cake" should not mean "Easy!" It should mean "Delicious!"
@donni
Spilled my bottle of sleeping pills, and now they're wide awake.
Spilled my bottle of sleeping pills, and now they're wide awake.
@donni
Both cats and dogs are illiterate, but I bet dogs feel bad about it, while cats don't give a shit.
Both cats and dogs are illiterate, but I bet dogs feel bad about it, while cats don't give a shit.
@donni
I hate it when the used car salesman is just a car wearing a suit.
I hate it when the used car salesman is just a car wearing a suit.
@donni
No, not bisexual, I said beesexual. I fuck bees.
No, not bisexual, I said beesexual. I fuck bees.
@donni
"I'm on the Reich track baby, I was born this race." -Nazi Gaga
"I'm on the Reich track baby, I was born this race." -Nazi Gaga
@donni
Never own a pet store. Stores make bad pets.
Never own a pet store. Stores make bad pets.
@donni
I swear, a pigeon at the bus stop this morning was trying to flirt with me. Anyway, totally fucked that pigeon.
I swear, a pigeon at the bus stop this morning was trying to flirt with me. Anyway, totally fucked that pigeon.
@donni
I was verbally abused as a child. The bigger verbs at school would kick my ass. "Stop conjugating yourself!" they'd say mockingly.
I was verbally abused as a child. The bigger verbs at school would kick my ass. "Stop conjugating yourself!" they'd say mockingly.
@donni
I wonder how many lightbulbs it takes to change a baby.
I wonder how many lightbulbs it takes to change a baby.
@donni
Don't forget about bald guys living vicariously through their beards.
Don't forget about bald guys living vicariously through their beards.
@donni
I always choose a political party with good snacks. Wait, that's how I choose a house party. And it's a dumb way to choose a house party.
I always choose a political party with good snacks. Wait, that's how I choose a house party. And it's a dumb way to choose a house party.
@donni
I'm sick of women staring at my spaceship. It's like, HELLO, my tentacles are up here!
I'm sick of women staring at my spaceship. It's like, HELLO, my tentacles are up here!
@donni
I'm sick of pretending. I'm ready to tend!
I'm sick of pretending. I'm ready to tend!
@donni
It's hard to find a good babysitter who doesn't mind being paid in heroin.
It's hard to find a good babysitter who doesn't mind being paid in heroin.
@donni
I'm pretty happy that human skin isn't see-through.
I'm pretty happy that human skin isn't see-through.
@donni
Some days, Mos Def only feels Mos Prob.
Some days, Mos Def only feels Mos Prob.
@donni
Want to solve the energy crisis? Develop a car that runs on self-delusion. Me and my fellow Americans have an unlimited supply.
Want to solve the energy crisis? Develop a car that runs on self-delusion. Me and my fellow Americans have an unlimited supply.
@donni
"My research shows that vegetables triple in vitamin content when used as pizza toppings," said the awesome scientist in my imagination.
"My research shows that vegetables triple in vitamin content when used as pizza toppings," said the awesome scientist in my imagination.
@donni
The downside of being tolerant is all the ignorant bullshit you have to tolerate.
The downside of being tolerant is all the ignorant bullshit you have to tolerate.
@donni
Americans think of Canada as a United States cover band.
Americans think of Canada as a United States cover band.
@donni
Parkinson's Disease was named after its discoverer, Dr. Timothy Disease.
Parkinson's Disease was named after its discoverer, Dr. Timothy Disease.
@donni
I like stuffed animals. Oven baked with breadcrumb stuffing.
I like stuffed animals. Oven baked with breadcrumb stuffing.
@donni
The worst thing about a prison tattoo is always having to explain why you got a tattoo of a prison.
The worst thing about a prison tattoo is always having to explain why you got a tattoo of a prison.
@donni
Future generations will never believe Sarah Palin was a real person.
Future generations will never believe Sarah Palin was a real person.
@donni
The squiggly red lines in Word documents are your computer's allergic reaction to dumb.
The squiggly red lines in Word documents are your computer's allergic reaction to dumb.
@donni
Got a tan this weekend. Might exchange it for a turquoise.
Got a tan this weekend. Might exchange it for a turquoise.
@donni
I have a lot of road rage. FUCK ROADS!!!
I have a lot of road rage. FUCK ROADS!!!
@donni
Rehab addicts go to rehab rehab.
Rehab addicts go to rehab rehab.
@donni
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
@donni
Give a man a fish, sickening him with botulism which spreads rapidly, people begin dying in droves, STACKS OF CORPSES BLOT OUT THE SUN.
Give a man a fish, sickening him with botulism which spreads rapidly, people begin dying in droves, STACKS OF CORPSES BLOT OUT THE SUN.
@donni
Turns out yelling "I can see your package through those tights!" gets you kicked out of a ballet.
Turns out yelling "I can see your package through those tights!" gets you kicked out of a ballet.
@donni
What, like you never stole 2000 loaves of bread on a dare? Shit happens. Look, Grandma, can you bail me out or not?
What, like you never stole 2000 loaves of bread on a dare? Shit happens. Look, Grandma, can you bail me out or not?
@donni
Sometimes I wish I was a dinosaur, but then I remember they didn't have nipples.
Sometimes I wish I was a dinosaur, but then I remember they didn't have nipples.
@donni
Turtles think tortoises are pretentious as hell.
Turtles think tortoises are pretentious as hell.
@donni
I'm sick of this condescending parrot making fun of the way I talk.
I'm sick of this condescending parrot making fun of the way I talk.
@donni
Ceilings were just ambitious walls.
Ceilings were just ambitious walls.
@donni
If cats could talk, they would talk a lot of shit, I bet.
If cats could talk, they would talk a lot of shit, I bet.
@donni
Doctors seem to have cornered the market on so-called "medical advice."
Doctors seem to have cornered the market on so-called "medical advice."
@donni
When God eats mushrooms He has delusions of regular.
When God eats mushrooms He has delusions of regular.
@donni
"I'm Dan if I do, and Dan if I don't." -Dan
"I'm Dan if I do, and Dan if I don't." -Dan
@donni
Just once I'd like to see an Expected Server Error, as if to say "Yup! We knew this was coming. Sucks for you!"
Just once I'd like to see an Expected Server Error, as if to say "Yup! We knew this was coming. Sucks for you!"
@donni
If you wait long enough, every cool thing starts to suck.
If you wait long enough, every cool thing starts to suck.
@donni
Thumb war is never the thumb answer.
Thumb war is never the thumb answer.
@donni
Let's shoot some hoops. I hate those fucking things. Maybe we can play basketball afterwards.
Let's shoot some hoops. I hate those fucking things. Maybe we can play basketball afterwards.
@donni
For what it's worth, I'd like to exchange some foreign currency.
For what it's worth, I'd like to exchange some foreign currency.
@donni
Bees! Beavers! Let's settle this once and for all: WHO'S BUSIER?
Bees! Beavers! Let's settle this once and for all: WHO'S BUSIER?
@donni
"We've isolated the gene for the long, drawn-out sigh!" -Sighentists
"We've isolated the gene for the long, drawn-out sigh!" -Sighentists
@donni
Babies who cry in a restaurant would rather be eating in a breastaurant.
Babies who cry in a restaurant would rather be eating in a breastaurant.
@donni
I assume most of braille writing is just shit talking about non-blind people.
I assume most of braille writing is just shit talking about non-blind people.
@donni
Real frogs call him Kermit The Fraud.
Real frogs call him Kermit The Fraud.
@donni
In hindsight, we shouldn't have given the cat her own checking account.
In hindsight, we shouldn't have given the cat her own checking account.
@donni
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
@donni
Mimes give each other the unsilent treatment.
Mimes give each other the unsilent treatment.
@donni
Medical problems are the #1 cause of death.
Medical problems are the #1 cause of death.
@donni
Inside jokes are bitterly resented by the homeless.
Inside jokes are bitterly resented by the homeless.
@donni
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to "clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!" And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to "clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!" And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
@donni
Still can't find my keys. I should probably check the everything bagel.
Still can't find my keys. I should probably check the everything bagel.
@donni
I need to stop asking strangers if they're ticklish, and just start tickling them.
I need to stop asking strangers if they're ticklish, and just start tickling them.
@donni
The thing about being vague is, lots of stuff.
The thing about being vague is, lots of stuff.
@donni
"It behooves you." -Inventor of the horseshoe, explaining to a dubious horse.
"It behooves you." -Inventor of the horseshoe, explaining to a dubious horse.
@donni
I don't use my power for good or evil. Mainly, I use it to watch TV, microwave food, and charge my phone.
I don't use my power for good or evil. Mainly, I use it to watch TV, microwave food, and charge my phone.
@donni
"Bro! You remembered our bronniversary! How bromantic." -Bromosexuals
"Bro! You remembered our bronniversary! How bromantic." -Bromosexuals
@donni
Meteorologists, frowning, like prophets of doom, pleading with their Snow God for mercy.
Meteorologists, frowning, like prophets of doom, pleading with their Snow God for mercy.
@donni
In Soviet Unicorn, rainbow poops you!
In Soviet Unicorn, rainbow poops you!
@donni
You get in trouble for resisting arrest, but apparently you don't get extra credit for handcuffing yourself in advance.
You get in trouble for resisting arrest, but apparently you don't get extra credit for handcuffing yourself in advance.
@donni
I bet cannibals were really disappointed by elbow macaroni.
I bet cannibals were really disappointed by elbow macaroni.
@donni
We need to be more concerned about dinosaur ghosts
We need to be more concerned about dinosaur ghosts
@donni
Free throws are just as good as the store-bought kind.
Free throws are just as good as the store-bought kind.
@donni
Might buy a junkyard just to grow my own junk food.
Might buy a junkyard just to grow my own junk food.
@donni
Few disc jockeys ever graduate to horses.
Few disc jockeys ever graduate to horses.
@donni
1 out of 5 dentists is illiterate, and could not complete the survey.
1 out of 5 dentists is illiterate, and could not complete the survey.
@donni
As an ass assessor, I assess asses.
As an ass assessor, I assess asses.
@donni
An optimistic donut sees the cop as half full.
An optimistic donut sees the cop as half full.
@donni
I never know if I should trust a cabdriver with my sexual history.
I never know if I should trust a cabdriver with my sexual history.
@donni
What's in a name? Mainly, letters that make sounds.
What's in a name? Mainly, letters that make sounds.
@donni
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen's clubs.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen's clubs.
@donni
I signed up for the Do Not List list, but was immediately removed as I had requested.
I signed up for the Do Not List list, but was immediately removed as I had requested.
@donni
I'm gonna drink until she's pretty then fuck her until she's ugly again.
I'm gonna drink until she's pretty then fuck her until she's ugly again.
@donni
Arrested for not picking up after his seeing eye dog, the blind man pleaded, "I didn't see shit!"
Arrested for not picking up after his seeing eye dog, the blind man pleaded, "I didn't see shit!"
@donni
Who needs drugs or alcohol when you've got a carbon monoxide leak?
Who needs drugs or alcohol when you've got a carbon monoxide leak?
@donni
Midgets resent the concept of shorts
Midgets resent the concept of shorts
@donni
Never trust a big butt and a smile. Where is the rest of this woman's body?
Never trust a big butt and a smile. Where is the rest of this woman's body?
@donni
Taking my dog on road trips would be more fun if he didn't always insist on driving.
Taking my dog on road trips would be more fun if he didn't always insist on driving.
@donni
Children are demo versions of humans.
Children are demo versions of humans.
@donni
The first messenger to say "Don't kill the messenger" definitely got killed in the face.
The first messenger to say "Don't kill the messenger" definitely got killed in the face.
@donni
People who crave food for thought don't understand how food works.
People who crave food for thought don't understand how food works.
@donni
The best part of being a supervillain is the freedom to laugh maniacally at all times
The best part of being a supervillain is the freedom to laugh maniacally at all times
@donni
Kid Rock must be an Adult Rock by now.
Kid Rock must be an Adult Rock by now.
@donni
Biggie Smalls always hated mediums.
Biggie Smalls always hated mediums.
@donni
Dogs do their social networking on Assbook, via the World Wide Whiff.
Dogs do their social networking on Assbook, via the World Wide Whiff.
@donni
Maybe early risers just aren't as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Maybe early risers just aren't as awesome at sleeping as I am.
@donni
Yuppie cannibals shop at Whole Dudes.
Yuppie cannibals shop at Whole Dudes.
@donni
Steve Buscemi always looks like he suffers from an intestinal parasite.
Steve Buscemi always looks like he suffers from an intestinal parasite.
@donni
I identified a body yesterday. "That's a body!" I said.
I identified a body yesterday. "That's a body!" I said.
@donni
Girl, if you got any hotter you'd be so earth-shatteringly hot the ground would split & we'd burn to death in molten lava. That would suck.
Girl, if you got any hotter you'd be so earth-shatteringly hot the ground would split & we'd burn to death in molten lava. That would suck.
@donni
What's the big deal with the Dog Whisperer? My dog whispers all the time! "Kill for me," he rasps.
What's the big deal with the Dog Whisperer? My dog whispers all the time! "Kill for me," he rasps.
@donni
The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?
The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?
@donni
Clearly, there was once a dangerous alternative to Safeway.
Clearly, there was once a dangerous alternative to Safeway.
@donni
Sometimes I crash parties in a swimsuit, and tell people I'm a Reverse Lifeguard keeping an eye on the land.
Sometimes I crash parties in a swimsuit, and tell people I'm a Reverse Lifeguard keeping an eye on the land.
@donni
What if we've got it backwards? Maybe mustaches have a thing for pedophiles.
What if we've got it backwards? Maybe mustaches have a thing for pedophiles.
@donni
Opportunity knocked today, but just to inform me that he's a sex offender.
Opportunity knocked today, but just to inform me that he's a sex offender.
@donni
Why do I need a wingman? How's a half-man half-bird freak gonna get me laid?
Why do I need a wingman? How's a half-man half-bird freak gonna get me laid?
@donni
I raised an eyebrow once. He's an adult now, and he never calls or visits.
I raised an eyebrow once. He's an adult now, and he never calls or visits.
@donni
When I'd go to clubs, I spent half the time texting people who weren't there. Eventually I realized I could just send those texts from home.
When I'd go to clubs, I spent half the time texting people who weren't there. Eventually I realized I could just send those texts from home.
@donni
Prostitutes hate trick-or-treaters.
Prostitutes hate trick-or-treaters.
@donni
Is it just me, or does hamstring sound delicious?
Is it just me, or does hamstring sound delicious?
@donni
It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.
It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.
@donni
I'm always on the guest list at Club Sandwich.
I'm always on the guest list at Club Sandwich.
@donni
Ladies: Is your boyfriend the strong, silent type? Is he carved out of wood? Ladies, you may be dating a garden gnome.
Ladies: Is your boyfriend the strong, silent type? Is he carved out of wood? Ladies, you may be dating a garden gnome.
@donni
Time travelers never have a good excuse for being late.
Time travelers never have a good excuse for being late.
@donni
Being early to work is a dead giveaway that I'm still asleep and having a bad dream.
Being early to work is a dead giveaway that I'm still asleep and having a bad dream.
@donni
I bet if I got one of those jumbo 16-slice toasters, people would finally take me seriously.
I bet if I got one of those jumbo 16-slice toasters, people would finally take me seriously.
@donni
You don't see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
You don't see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
@donni
I bet the Presidential Seal gets to eat all the fish he wants.
I bet the Presidential Seal gets to eat all the fish he wants.
@donni
I have a fetish fetish. Things that turn me on turn me on.
I have a fetish fetish. Things that turn me on turn me on.
@donni
If you say "That reminds me of a good story," I automatically think "This story's gonna suck."
If you say "That reminds me of a good story," I automatically think "This story's gonna suck."
@donni
I wish robot servants were affordable already.
I wish robot servants were affordable already.
@donni
I tried to be a workaholic but workahol tastes like shit.
I tried to be a workaholic but workahol tastes like shit.
@donni
Dear freight trains, way to be stuck in the 19th century.
Dear freight trains, way to be stuck in the 19th century.
@donni
Someday, I hope to befriend a friendly panhandler & learn the secrets of handling pans firsthand.
Someday, I hope to befriend a friendly panhandler & learn the secrets of handling pans firsthand.
@donni
I like the way you weigh the way I like you.
I like the way you weigh the way I like you.
@donni
Just to confuse the cops, let's steal the sign pole and leave the street sign.
Just to confuse the cops, let's steal the sign pole and leave the street sign.
@donni
Every single time I go out drinking with unicorns, they use the old "no pockets" excuse to stick me with the bill.
Every single time I go out drinking with unicorns, they use the old "no pockets" excuse to stick me with the bill.
@donni
Feels like there's not enough blood in my drugstream.
Feels like there's not enough blood in my drugstream.
@donni
If the cat's got your tongue, it's your fault. What did you expect, making out with a cat?
If the cat's got your tongue, it's your fault. What did you expect, making out with a cat?
@donni
Whoever named them "sugar cookies" could've tried a little harder.
Whoever named them "sugar cookies" could've tried a little harder.
@donni
Girls named Miranda never think it's funny when you tell them they have the right to remain silent.
Girls named Miranda never think it's funny when you tell them they have the right to remain silent.
@donni
Masking tape never makes a very realistic mask.
Masking tape never makes a very realistic mask.
@donni
When you assassinate, you make an ass out of ass innate.
When you assassinate, you make an ass out of ass innate.
@donni
Whores on first, sluts on second, idle hos on third.
Whores on first, sluts on second, idle hos on third.
@donni
I bet some of the Crusaders were just random guys who refused to admit that they were lost.
I bet some of the Crusaders were just random guys who refused to admit that they were lost.
@donni
How exactly was a black hole sun supposed to wash away the rain, Soundgarden?
How exactly was a black hole sun supposed to wash away the rain, Soundgarden?
@donni
Finally saw "The Price Is Right" with the new host. Maybe it's the glasses, but Drew Barrymore looks really different.
Finally saw "The Price Is Right" with the new host. Maybe it's the glasses, but Drew Barrymore looks really different.
@donni
Playboy bunnies are weird. Who decided that women look sexier dressed up as half-human half-rabbit monsters?
Playboy bunnies are weird. Who decided that women look sexier dressed up as half-human half-rabbit monsters?
@donni
When the guy at the liquor store offered to throw in some ketchup packets, I automatically said yes. Still not sure why.
When the guy at the liquor store offered to throw in some ketchup packets, I automatically said yes. Still not sure why.
@donni
I hate when kangaroos say they're going to "hop in the shower" and expect you to laugh like you've never heard it before.
I hate when kangaroos say they're going to "hop in the shower" and expect you to laugh like you've never heard it before.
@donni
This ceiling fan keeps knocking over my ceiling furniture.
This ceiling fan keeps knocking over my ceiling furniture.
@donni
Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?
Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?