@mattytalks
Inside your balls there is a tiny computer, the CIA can hack the computer and make you piss your pants in front of Jenna to ruin your date.

@mattytalks
*sees my stepfather on Xmas* Hey Chip, Feliz Notmydad you piece of shit

@mattytalks
Meatballs have bread crumbs inside them. Meat plus bread means that a meatball is actually a sandwich.

@mattytalks
Minimum Wage, Maximum Rage: The life of a Twitter opinion haver

@mattytalks
Does life imitate art or does art imitate life? Either way I've lost 1000 dollars playing poker with these dogs

@mattytalks
For those of you who are alone on thanksgiving for $50 I'll call you and ask you why you're not married yet and when you're getting a raise