@mikeleffingwell
Here's your social security card. It's paper and has to last you forever. Don't laminate it. Good luck asshole.

@mikeleffingwell
Sorry, "hella" was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I'll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

@mikeleffingwell
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this? *takes you out several times then acts distant*

@mikeleffingwell
I'm a strict vegetarian. After I kill a cow I don't eat ANY of it.

@mikeleffingwell
Woman next to me at coffee shop just asked a guy who's farther away to watch her computer for a sec. Devastated.

@mikeleffingwell
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don't think she'd be a good secret agent.