@mikeleffingwell
Woman next to me at coffee shop just asked a guy who's farther away to watch her computer for a sec. Devastated.

@mikeleffingwell
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don't think she'd be a good secret agent.

@mikeleffingwell
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

@mikeleffingwell
Shaving your head when you're going bald is the ultimate "You can't fire me, I quit."

@mikeleffingwell
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.

@mikeleffingwell
There's a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the "close this ad" button.