@nealbrennan
Arrested Development is cool, but when is Netflix gonna bring back my Grampa?

@nealbrennan
Answering your cell when you don't recognize the number is basically like picking up a hitchhiker. You're probs gonna die.

@nealbrennan
"Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?" "No. Marching's hard. I tweeted about it."

@nealbrennan
If Hitler was alive today and had his own hotel, he would charge for wifi.

@nealbrennan
Lot of applause breaks in this SOTU. It's like a mediocre "Comedy Central Presents."

@nealbrennan
You've reached the Suicide Hotline. If you're clinically depressed, press 1. If you sent a tweet with a typo in it, press 2.