@pourmecoffee
Congress always makes me feel nostalgic for college when I waited for the last minute to do shitty work and blame anyone but myself.

@pourmecoffee
"My fellow Americans, I have authorized action to degrade and destroy Adobe's ability to push updates to devices." [Cheering in streets]

@pourmecoffee
"Grandpa, why did you let catastrophic global warming and 4+ Transformers movies happen?" -- Your disappointed grandchildren

@pourmecoffee
"Grandpa, why did everyone make a big deal out of selfies when they're just pictures, oh and thanks a lot for doing nothing about climate."

@pourmecoffee
When I am President, I will have the Law & Order sound played after every point I make in the State of the Union address.

@pourmecoffee
For party out of power, State of the Union is the Olympics of eye-rolling and sarcastic agreement you trained so hard for as a teenager.