@rolldiggity
I feel like we're so close to finding the perfect zinger that will make the whole country immediately unite.

@rolldiggity
"You're still a winner," Pinocchio whispered into his third drink. He wept as his nose grew to touch the glass.

@rolldiggity
Cop: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Me: "OH NO THIS COP HAS AMNESIA!!!"

@rolldiggity
"Thanks, that's a great haircut." [takes off wig] "Now let's see how you do with the real thing."

@rolldiggity
I think my Halloween costume is going to be "Guy at party who keeps saying, 'In a way, we're always wearing costumes.'"

@rolldiggity
Facebook has really revolutionized how quickly we find out friends from high school gave up on their dreams.