@scottsimpson
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

@scottsimpson
You can fart openly as long as you're always holding a whoopee cushion.

@scottsimpson
Whenever you say "I'll shoot you an email," it makes me wish I could shoot you in email.

@scottsimpson
Our co-op has the most amazing locally grown, organic ibuprofen right now.

@scottsimpson
Yuck: I do not recommend Volkswagen's new Meat Lover's Jetta.

@scottsimpson
Eating a meal on an airplane makes me feel like a Tyrannosaurus rex who has to operate on a baby.